i can't seem to sleep

i'm really, really exhausted. it's 4:30 in the morning. i should be happy to sleep, but for some reason i've got too much on my mind to actually sleep.

so i' just going to drop it off here.

1. that stupid, stupid, stupid boy who's been plaguing my thoughts for over a year, now. i wish he'd go away already. i wish i'd find somebody else who just completely blew him out of the water. i wish i would forget about him. holly's going through the same thing, and hearing her talk about it made me think about it. i just want to move on already. i've tried everything to try and win him back or whatever, and obviously that got me no where but here, plus a little more self loathing.

2. i don't want to go back to school. i'm having a good time lounging around during break, and i'm not ready to go back. i don't want to be stressed again, and i don't want to face the reality of class rank and all of that competition. i'm scared, and i know i won't be pleased. i know i'm going to be let down by myself. i'm still kicking myself over last year. of course, right now i've got straight b's. i have to bring that up. and here i go again.

3. every other stupid boy in my life who i'm pretty sure hates me. damnit. i need to learn to make the guys i'm interested in like me. even on a friend level.

4. friends. i'm stoked right now, because i'm kind of making amends with my friend i wrote that previous blog about. we're talking a bunch again, and things are back to normal. i'm just afraid it won't be permanent. i know it's up to be, but i'm afraid i'll go back into my old ways and we won't talk as much again.

5. i really like farewell. just putting that out there.

6. my grandma's been really nagging lately. i love her and stuff, but ever since the other day when we got in this big argument, she's been kind of annoying. she's a cool person, very generous when she's in the right mood, but lately she's just been on her high horse or SOMETHING. it's been kind of annoying. my mom won't stop bitching about her either, which is pretty annoying too, lol.

i think that's about it. i really need to get to bed now. it's 4:50 now, and i'm about to fall over and sleep, haha.