i can't seem to sleep

i'm really, really exhausted. it's 4:30 in the morning. i should be happy to sleep, but for some reason i've got too much on my mind to actually sleep.

so i' just going to drop it off here.

1. that stupid, stupid, stupid boy who's been plaguing my thoughts for over a year, now. i wish he'd go away already. i wish i'd find somebody else who just completely blew him out of the water. i wish i would forget about him. holly's going through the same thing, and hearing her talk about it made me think about it. i just want to move on already. i've tried everything to try and win him back or whatever, and obviously that got me no where but here, plus a little more self loathing.

2. i don't want to go back to school. i'm having a good time lounging around during break, and i'm not ready to go back. i don't want to be stressed again, and i don't want to face the reality of class rank and all of that competition. i'm scared, and i know i won't be pleased. i know i'm going to be let down by myself. i'm still kicking myself over last year. of course, right now i've got straight b's. i have to bring that up. and here i go again.

3. every other stupid boy in my life who i'm pretty sure hates me. damnit. i need to learn to make the guys i'm interested in like me. even on a friend level.

4. friends. i'm stoked right now, because i'm kind of making amends with my friend i wrote that previous blog about. we're talking a bunch again, and things are back to normal. i'm just afraid it won't be permanent. i know it's up to be, but i'm afraid i'll go back into my old ways and we won't talk as much again.

5. i really like farewell. just putting that out there.

6. my grandma's been really nagging lately. i love her and stuff, but ever since the other day when we got in this big argument, she's been kind of annoying. she's a cool person, very generous when she's in the right mood, but lately she's just been on her high horse or SOMETHING. it's been kind of annoying. my mom won't stop bitching about her either, which is pretty annoying too, lol.

i think that's about it. i really need to get to bed now. it's 4:50 now, and i'm about to fall over and sleep, haha.

i've got more!

i'm so bad at keeping friends. i'm bad at being a friend, in general. damnit.

it's always happened. i make these friends online, and it's cool for awhile, but then the friendship just kind of dwindles. i don't talk to half of the people i used to. most of that's good, but sometimes i wonder.

i thought this friendship was different though. the first year passed, and i was stoked. the second year flew by, and now here we are, nearing our third year, i think. i have this gut feeling we're not going to make it. sometimes i feel like she's trying hard than i am, and that hurts. i then tell myself that i'll try harder, but then i feel the tables turn. i'm so confused by everything. at least i'm still there the few times she needs me.

i know she's found someone else, closer now, and i'm happy for her. he's a cool guy. i had the luck to meet him when i was visiting. at least i know i'm not being replaced by some stranger. i think the best part about it though, is that he's local. i never liked the fact that i had a close best friend, but yours was thousands of miles away.

god, she were such a great friend though, while it lasted. i can't convey how much fun i had staying up until 3, just goofing off. i'm not near ready to let go, but she's growing up and, well, i'm not. i'm still the same person i was two years ago, when we met because i liked her fanfiction. she's a college student now, and she's grown up considerably. maybe i'm wrong. maybe she's still the same person she was. maybe we just don't talk enough for me to still see that.

i'm depressing myself, now. i'm ready to cry. i'm not ready for this. i don't want anything to change. i would give anything to go back a year and redo things.

after awhile, i'll just be a dim memory, though. she'll rarely think of me, just like everybody else i've lost contact with.




i'm going to go be melancholy and cry now.

i always reread my posts

and absolutely hate them. i always think i'm being naive about things. or i'm trying too hard to say something so simple. or that i'm trying to impress somebody who i know won't even read it. i think i just judge myself too hard.


i read this horoscope book the other day. it wasn't like 'you will do this on this day' but more explaining the different types of signs. i've always been pretty skeptical about that kind of thing, but when i was reading it, i noticed how true it was to myself.

it was funny, because one part said about how libras (my sign) always make it up in their head that others don't really like them. i think you can tell from reading any of my other blogs, that that's very true. i don't know. i know it's just a coincedence. i did learn quite a bit about myself through that book though. i'm sure i could have read other signs and done the same thing, though.

it also said that i try too hard to impress people who are close to me, or something like that. it's so true, too. i always catch myself doing that afterwards, and it's obnoxious. i hate the fact that i can't really control any of it, either. i always find myself making my social networking statuses something that i think a certain person would reply to if they're online. or i'll carry myself a certain way so that somebody would like me more. i think it has to do with my insecurities about the people i associate myself with. like my best friend.

i love her to death. i just, i get jealous i guess, because i've never met somebody who hasn't liked her more than me (other than laura). it's whatever. i never stopped caring, i just stopped letting it affect me. i'm a cool person, and if they want to like her better than that's their loss.



right?

Oh, you know what? Next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.

i've been enjoying myself lately. what's a blog with a happy person, though? doesn't it defeat the purpose of interesting blogging if you're just saying how good your life is?

haha, whatever. it's been okay. my bank keeps fucking me over, but otherwise!

i got together with some family today (christmas?), it was nice seeing them. they live a couple of hours away, so i don't typically see them very often. then again, i haven't seen the family in tyler in god know's how long, so maybe i should reconsider what often is. anyways, we all went to church last night, and normally it's all good and stuff, but this time around i had a proble with it. the pastor said something about christmas songs not being very christian anymore.

please remind me how christian christmas even is now days. half of the people who celebrate just do it people it's what society knows what to do. december 25th is christmas, no matter what you believe. now some people follow their religion and remember christmas for jesus' birth, or follow the other traditions for hanakkuh, kwanza, ect, but out of however many people in america there are, how many really do that? how many really celebrate christmas because jesus christ was born in a tiny manger in a tiny town to non-socialite parents? or is it more of a celebration because finally it's that time of the year when you get a week off from work and a raise to help fund those pricey gifts you have to buy?

i have no problem with that, though. to each his own, right? the problem i have is this pastor was saying something about how we shouldn't pay attention to the non-christian christmas songs. really? i mean, i like my jingle bell rock and, well, i'd like to keep my halls decked! i'm not going to completely ignore the christmas traditions because they're not properly "christian". who is properly christian anymore? who's going to turn off the radio because the stations are trying to make everybody happy by not shoving christian christmas songs down their throats? who's going to discourage their kids from humming that catchy wham! song they heard playing on the soft rock station 10 times in an hour? who's going to be a debby downer of a party and change white christmas because it's not christian enough?

nobody.

i mean, i love going to the christmas service. don't get me wrong. but sometimes people need to calm down and see that nothing is fully about christianity anymore. it's nothing to be discouraged about, it's just the world expanding to accomidate everybody now. house holds would be depressing without christmas, but if it were just a christian holiday, then a lot of people would be without. by expanding it, it's become a cheerful time for all, and it's probably even turned some people on to the religion and the original traditions and meanings.


i'm tired.
i'm tired of ranting too.
i'm going to stop making sense if i continue.
goodnight.

hi

things are cool right now. life is good, for the most part.

i'm a happy child.

thanksgiving

isn't very full of thanks this year.

i'm not sure how much longer i can take this shit. three years seems awfully long when nights like last night stretch into mornings like now.

i'll never know when you'll stop this. it's not up to me. i'm sick and tired of trying to fix you, but for some reason i can't stop. i can't pull myself to believe that you'll always be like this.

i'm holding your keys in my hand, right now. they're cold, metal, loud, but they hold your fate. abuse them like you did last night, and you and i both won't have to worry about your problem anymore.



i'm thankful for friends. i'm thankful for family. i'm thankful for life.

i'm not thankful for alcohol.

i'm kind of

melodramatic at night. maybe i just need to start going to bed before it turns dark to avoid all of it.


boooooooooo me.

happy 100th post, me!

woooooohooooooooo





anyways, alcohol's been a big subject today. i guess i'll just put my two cents in to what i've thought.

i was talking to laura earlier, and i was joking around about drunk texts and how humourous they are, when i told her she should drink and text me all the time. then i went on to say i was joking, and that i would probably hate her if she drank all the time. it's honestly nothing personal. she's my best friend, i love her to death. if she drank, though, i feel like i wouldn't be able to see that. i'd forget all of that like i do with my mom. she may not be as...pathetic, as my mom, but i wouldn't be able to see that either. i feel like my experience with alcoholics has just corrupted how i see alcohol in all.

i'd never be able to be friends with someone who drank on a regular basis. it's just not something i would be able to mentally do. i'm not strong enough to deal with that. i don't see the fun in alcohol, anyways. you lose yourself? is that fun? you just let go for a couple of hours? there's so many other ways to do that, so why choose the most harmful? it doesn't even taste good.

i just. haha i just hate alcohol. it's ruined my image of people. it's done so much harm to me without me even trying it. i'm really thankful that i have friends who don't find it necissary to party and drink all of the time. i'm really thankful that i have a father who respects my wishes not to drink. i'm really thankful that i have some i look up to that constantly reminds me that alcoholism CAN be beat.

what did you learn tonight?

ah,
love brand new.



Who do you carry that torch for, my young man?
Do you believe in anything?
Or do you carry it around just to burn things down?

Meet me tonight on the turnpike my darling,
where we believe in everything.
If we sweat all these debts then we're sure to drown,
so let's strap ourselves up to this engine now
with our God who we found laying under the back seat.

What did you learn tonight?
while shouting so loud, you barely joyous, broken thing.
You are a voice that never sings, is what i say.
You are freezing over hell
You are bringing on that end you do so well
and you can only blame yourself, is what is say.

Oh, order your daughters to ignore me
think that will sort me?
and sweep me under the rug?
while you're beating with a book
everyone that book tells you to love.

There is an ember in the heart of this kiln
and it's burning hot with love.
Burning out my center till there's nothing but dust
then rolling me with care into your cigarette
cause the God i believe in never worked on a campaign trail.

What did you learn tonight?
You're shouting so loud, you barely joyous, broken thing.
You're a voice that never sings, is what i say.
You are freezing over hell.
You are bringing on the end you've read about
and you can only blame yourself, is what i say.

Feels like we could escape this,
I might throw it away for fear of the silver sun.
If you try running a maze of your lies,
it's too hard to save you've thrown out everyone.

Who do you carry that torch for, my young man?
Do you believe in anything,
or do you carry it around just to burn things to the ground?

i'm going to go so insane

i need to be by myself. i need my own padded room and a boom box. i need to clear my mind.

i'm going to end up institutionalized if things keep going the way they are. god. i just can't do it sometimes. i really can't.

i'm tired of this life. i'm tired of these people. i'm tired.

frustration's going to eat me alive.

relient k

is just freaking awesome. they're one of the only christian bands i listen to, but i think i'm starting to remember why.

most christian bands shove God and faith down your throat. they say how much they need Him, and how He saved their life...and all of that other cliche stuff. relient k writes more of the stuff i can relate to.

has anyone ever really read the lyrics to be my escape? i mean, i know everyone thinks it's over played, or like lame and mainstream, but it's actually a really spectacular song. i've never been able to relate so much to a song.

I've given up on giving up slowly
I'm blending in so you won't even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
And this one last bullet you mention
Is my one last shot at redemption
'Cause I know to live you must give your life away

And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though there's no way of knowing where to go
I promise I'm going because

I got to get out of here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I got to get out of here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I've given up on doing this alone now
'Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
You’ve told me the way, and now I'm trying to get there
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit, that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

'Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though there's no way of knowing where to go
I promise I'm going because
I got to get out of here
’Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake
I got to get out of here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can't ask you to give what you already gave

'Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though there's no way of knowing where to go
I promise I'm going because
I got to get out of here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I got to get out of here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I fought you for so long
I should have let you win
Oh, how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
Oh, but so were you
So were you


yep. i just feel like that's me. all me.

sheeeesh

i'm tired. so, so, so tired. it's like, 6:44 in the morning, and i would typically be up and ready to go. today i'm wishing i could just crawl into my bed and sleep for the rest of the day. god it's going to be a bad day. i can already tell.

maybe i can be like those people who sleep with their eyes open. please and thank you.

yay for zombie molly.




I JUST WANT TO SLEEEEP!!!!!!!!


please and thank you.

sometimes i forget why

i chose to have a best friend thousands of miles away. i feel foolish for ever making that decision. i feel guilty because our different schedules make something so simple, so hard for us. i feel unhelpful because i can't be there to physically comfort her when she needs it the most. i feel jealous because can't hang out with her when other people can, even though she's my best friend. i feel frustrated because i can't really be myself over texts or aim. i feel upset because i can't do normal friend things with her, like shopping or movie watching.

but then all of it comes full circle, and i remember why i made that choice.

it was the only choice i had.

Laura Zimmerman was my best friend, is my best friend, and will be my best friend in times to come. Distance can go fuck itself for trying to keep us apart.

fun.

Light a roman candle with me
Just a roman candle,
you can wear your sandals
and I'll pour you just one cup of tea.
Then you can go and rest
you haven't seen my best, so...

Just spend an evening with me
Just a lazy evening,
then you could be leaving
or we could stay and talk until three.
I will think it's magic and I'll hope you'll agree, so...

Light a roman candle with me.
Just a roman candle.
Just a perfect apple.

If we were honest and both wrote a sonnet together
a sandwich with everything on it,
at least we would know that the sparks didn't glow
but we owe it to ourselves to try,
so we aim and ignite!

So often I call and I plead with you:
"Give me a chance!"
It's not often that I understand
the ins and the outs of what's wrong and what's right
So don't think of tomorrow tonight.

Oh, I know, it goes on, it gets old
But for now we're young, we smell good, we're alone...
You look for a legend,
I'm looking for common ground.
Your heart isn't breaking,
and mine isn't making a sound.

Oh I know, it goes on, it gets old
Oh I know, it goes on, it gets old...

Light a roman candle with me.
Just a roman candle.
Just a perfect apple.

WHO'S GOING TO GET ME

the complete three seasons of criminal minds for me for my birthday?! eh? eh?

if you get them, you don't have to get the books. ;D





i've been really in love with that show lately. i don't know why. i guess i just find it fascinating. it's not like all of the other crime shows out there. they get inside people's heads, not inside the crime scene. they really show who the people are, not just what they've done. i thank matthew gray gubler's attractiveness for getting me hooked, but i think it's safe to say that thomas gibson is my favorite character. it's kind of a tie between him and gubler, really.

anyways, love the show. wish hotchner was my dad, (even though mine is better than him, i still think it'd be cool) plan on marrying matthew gray gubler, and that's about it.

don't forget that birthday request, guys.

school

i hate school. i never realized it, but i really do.

or maybe i just never realized how great my schedule was last year. i liked all of my teachers, all of the kids in my classes, and lunch was really fun once i found my place.

this year i really dislike a couple of my teachers, i don't even know half of the kids in my class, and well, at least i have a group of friends at lunch already.

still, it's not looking good.

oh well. no one said school was supposed to be fun.

DEAR WORLD

my birthday's coming up! oh how cool molly! when is it? how old will you even be? well good sir, it is september 29th, and i will be the big one six. it's kind of a big deal, right?

so to celebrate this special occasion, i wanted to take the time to make a list of things i want. normally i don't do this, so that's why this is special.

item one: http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/527280

item two: http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/814665

thank you for your time, friends.

are you my mother?

uhm, i don't know what to say. i mean, i do, but i don't know how to do it without sounding...i don't know.

let's see. my mom's fallen off the face of the earth. i'm not really sure WHAT she's into anymore, but i don't really care. i just kind of told her i was done, and it's easy to stay that way. it's a lot easier to avoid her when i don't want to catch her in the act.

anyways, this morning i was wondering, how is she going to go to school if she's still doing this whole pill poppin 24/7 thing. i hadn't even been sure if she'd like...been going to work on stuff, or been doing it on her way home. either way, it wasn't good.

uhm, but anyways. she had some big talk with her mom i guess, that straightened her up. not sure what it was, but yeah. anyways, she came home totally sober today, and stayed that way all day. pretty cool stuff. hopefully it stays this way.

kay, well. i'm ending this. i'm going to go watch ryan on the modcam thingy now. wooo envy on the coast, haha.

WITH THAT SAID

i am more excited than i have ever been for this trip. this is going to be a huge event in my very eventful summer, and probably the best gift i'll ever recieve.

along with that, i also get to see one of my favorite bands, and basically the reason i'm going up there in the first place. i can't believe this is happening. i really can't. i'm so excited, thankful, scared, worried, and impatient that it's messing with me to the extreme. but it's okay, because i'm just so ready for this to happen. i'm so ready to be up there with my best friend. and i'm soooo ready to show that i can be responsible and trusted.

decisions

i think saying this might get my worries off my chest. maybe i'll feel better about things, maybe i won't. i'm just tired of this constant worry, because it's killing my excitement.

i really don't like making people mad. i don't like letting them down. i don't like going against their wishes. i feel like going against your word is going to make me be punished. i feel like you told me to do it for a reason. i feel like in ignoring this concern, i'm going to pay. i know i'm not though. because i know God wouldn't do that to me. i know he's looking out for me all of the time, and that he has the best planned for me.

you're worried, and we all know. i'm worried too. so is the rest of the family. but you've got to let it go. you've got to put some faith in me, and the people i call my best friends. you don't know me well enough to know how untrusting i am. how much it takes for me to even call somebody my best friend. this girl has helped me through high and low. she's one person i'll never regret to call my best friend, and just because i met her over the internet doesn't mean i don't know her. it doesn't mean she's a bad person. it doesn't mean her parents are bad people.

i heard your concern, but just because you're concerned doesn't mean i shouldn't be able to live life to the fullest. i have to experience life, not sit at my computer and dream about what i wish i could do someday. i have to take chances. at least i'm taking smart chances, not mindless idiotic ones. i've had countless oppurtunities to get into trouble like my numerous friends have. it's high school, for christ's sake. half of the school engages in pot, alcohol, and sex. i've stayed away from all of it.

just trust me. trust my judgement. trust people, for once, because if you don't, you definitely won't be too happy with me for the rest of my life, i guess. just like you weren't with my mom or aunt.

I just want to say that

the satanic satanist, by portugal. the man, could be the best album i've ever heard...aside from anything by tjv.

At times

I wish I lived in Seattle. I still really love it there.


Maybe someday...

I always feel bad when

I don't how what to say or how to help. I feel like I can't fufill my duties of being a friend. Sometimes, I guess, it's better that I don't know what to say, though. Maybe I'm not suppose to help, but just to listen.


I think this is one of those times.

Haven't I already blogged about this?

Love. What is love? Does it still exsist?

I would hope to think it does. When I look at people on the streets or around school, I would think it does. But then the...facade fades, and I come back to reality. Is it really possible for two people to stay in love forever?

I guess it is. My grandma's still in love with my grandpa, I think. He's been gone for around three years now, but I know she still loves him and thinks about him. You can tell she misses him when we joke about his love for extra information, or how she rambles on about how he loved the weirdest foods. Obviously, they show love can last. As can a lot of aged couples.

But what I want to know, is can love last in this day? If two people fell in love today, would they stay in love and together, or would they spread apart like the rest of the couples in the world? Would having a child and working different hours separate them, or would it bring the right people closer? Are we just not looking deep enough in our partners, or is love just truly impossible, now?

I was just looking at this blog, it's Ace Enders' wife's blog about being pregnant on the road. Now, that...is a couple I envy. Just reading her blog (oh my god, I'm going to sound so cheesy right now) made me feel all mushy inside. I felt my eyes start to well up. Not because I was sad or anything, just because of how great they were together as a couple. It's something I, personally, haven't seen ever in a couple so young. I mean they're having a baby for Christ's sake while on the road together. They're never apart. That would drive a modern couple mad. Yet somehow they seem happier than ever, or, at least she does. She talks about the things she does with her baby, and how she feels like they'll be a great family. Even writing this is making me emotional.

I guess I've just never seen anything like it. Sure, I've seen it in movies, and yeah, I've read about it in books, but I've never SEEN it.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just going crazy. Hopefully I get to see them when they pass through Houston. If not, I'll still send them my best wishes...through telepathy or something, hah.

L-l-l-loooveeee. They make me believe in it again. Maybe not all relationships these days are doomed.

What

happened to good music?

I was reading a book, and listening to City and Colour when I got bored and closed my eyes. I really began listening to Dallas' voice, and I stayed like that for maybe 20 minutes. Just listening.

That's something I almost never do. And when I do, it's typically with City and Colour.

Why can't more bands put that effect on me? Why can't more bands write and produce music that just makes me want to drop what I'm doing and listen? Why can't more bands make music that just gives me the chills, because it's so beautiful? Why can't more bands remember what music is?

I'm trying to think up a list of bands who do make me do this, but I'm coming up short. I'll list what I've thought up.

Bright Eyes
City and Colour
The Reign of Kindo
The Junior Varsity
Kay Kay and his Weathered Underground
The Dear Hunter
As Tall As Lions
Pink Floyd
Portugal. The Man
RedRedBlue

Uh, yeah. That's it. Sad, right?

Maybe I'm just too picky, or, maybe no one cares about making anything but fun, dancy music anymore. Either way, I wish I could find more bands who made me feel like this. I think this is what music's suppose to do.

I don't know how many times I've tried to undo this knot you tied

Dead.

Completely dead.

Never again am I doing Warped in Houston. Unless the best of the best bands come. Theeen I might.

Saw Bayside. They blew me away. Saw Thrice. They blew me away x2. Saw Saosin. They didn't suck like normal. Saw UnderOath. They were...like usual I guess.

That was my warped.

This is me going to pass out now. Bye.

Ow, I just scratched my eyelid.

I have nothing to blog about, really. I just saw I hadn't blogged since Tuesday, and figured I'd do something with my time.

My sleeping's been really off lately. I'm not sure why, but I'm going into summer mode, now. I was hoping I wouldn't, though. It is nice waking up and realizing I only have a couple of hours to entertain myself before my mom comes back, though. It makes life not as...boring.

It's really hot lately. Obviously it's summer, but I guess it's been hotter than normal ? Last time I checked, if it was summer in Houston, we're almost guaranteed 100+ degrees, but I guess the forcasters say different. Apparently it's been like 10 degrees higher than normal? I don't know. I know it's hot, and that's about it. I've only been outside a handful of times, hahaha.

My dad got back safely from Atlanta. He failed in his mission to find Manchester Orchestra, though. I'm pretty ashamed in him. :'(

The Graduate's filling my musical needs right now. I've been fairly picky, lately. Maybe just because I know there's an amazing Act III out and I STILL DON'T HAVE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh. I need it. Now.

Kay, well I'm going now. I'm drinking this drink that's suppose to like...energize you, but I'm feeling overly exhausted right now, hahaha. This drink fails.

Baiiiii :)

So, it's about five hours later

aaaaand I have a new reply. This guy doesn't cease to amazing me. I don't even care (note to self: yes I do) that I was woken up by my LOUD phone that was notifying me I had a new email. I don't even care (note to self: YES. I DO.) that I'm not able to get to sleep anymore, because of it.

I'm thuroughly surprised he replied, obv. I told you in the last blog I would be. Haha idk, idk. I'm so tired. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I can't sleep thoughhhh. Ahhhhh. Delirious bloggingggg. I can't typeeee. Or spelllll.

Please forgive my spelling, by the way. I'm too out of it to really take time on it, lol.

Anyways, I'm going to hop back in bed. Or go bother my dogs who keep whining. Either way, baaaai.

So, I got my reply

and I couldn't be happier with it. (check blog a couple lower about the email I sent to Asa :))

Basically all I did was ask why TJV broke up, blahblahblah.

Basically all he told me was the total history of TJV, hahaha. No, but seriously, he's so nice. He told me everything about why they broke up, and didn't hide the fact that some of it was his fault. I find it really amazing that he's laying low about the whole thing, and letting certain people blame everything on him. I felt really bad for even thinking for a minute that it was all his fault. >.< I should have know better.

Anyways, he seemed pretty enlightened that someone was actually asking for his POV. I guess he doesn't get that a lot ? In which case, people are stupid for not wanting to know. It's not like they're going to be scolded if they ask, and it sure did make me feel better about the whole thing. Kind of... haha It was actually kind of depressing.

Uhm, I'm really happy for him that he got sober. I'm really happy for the other dudes who're doing okay, I guess. I'm really happy that he was so cool about it. Most of all, I'm really happy he just replied, hahahaha. I honestly thought he wouldn't.

Anyways, I emailed him back asking a couple more questions. Nothing that requires a super long answer or anything, just simple questions. I have a theory though, that once a musician has replied to a message, email, comment, ect, once, they won't do it again. I'm pretty sure it's against the rules of being a musician. Hahaha. In simple words, I don't expect another reply.

So yeah, that's my post. I'm happy. :) Haha BAI.

I don't get it

I just really don't. How is she so much better than me? Because she likes SOME of your music? Because she'll lie and say she likes your silly little comics? Because she doesn't have an opinion other than the things every other high school emo girl does?

At least I have a fucking personality. At least I was comfortable enough with you to tell you what I really thought. At least I was your friend, even if we didn't like EXACTLY the same things.

I'm so stupid. I don't know why I even tried.





Guys are such dicks.

When the bombs go off you'll know right where you are

Uhm, I don't have much to say.

Laura and I are sparing each other for going crazy during the summer. We're kind of going crazy...together, though. Not exactly not going crazy. Hahahaha.

She just showed me some amazing hat hair. Hahahaha stupid fedora. I wore mine yesterday so we could match. :)

I really don't know what to say. Like...I really, really don't know.

I guess I'll just stop now.




Oh, haha I emailed Asa asking for his POV about the TJV break up. We'll see if he replies. Probably not, but we'll see. I've been really curious lately. Especially after studying Andy while I asked him questions about them. :X

Anyways, I'm going to go now. Baaai.

Take me to the river, and let me see again

Oh my God, let me see again.



So, tonight was good. Mom didn't have a drop of alcohol, and I'm almost surprised. I'm sure this was her first night in a long night, not to. I'm glad she didn't.

Grandma had both of us on egg shells, though. She kept mentioning alcohol, and I could feel the tension that we both felt when she did. I wish she wouldn't bring it up.

I'm anxious for my dad to come back. I kind of want to get my pictures developed, even though I'm completely terrified as to how they'll come out. It's my first time using this camera, and I hope I did it well.

I'm still stuck on Manchester Orchestra. They're so amazing. I don't even know how to explain how amazing they are. I was watching some videos of them earlier, live, and it made me wish I wasn't so stupid. They came here like maybe three weeks ago, and I missed it because I didn't like them. :'( At least I saw them with Say Anything. Too bad I remember NOTHING about their set. T___T.

Speaking of sets, I just wanted to take time to tell everyone how AMAZING The Dear Hunter's set was. Scratch that, I wanted to remind everyone how AMAZING their performance of The Oracles of Delphi was. Holy mother of God. I was like...no. Haha, no. I can't even explain how amazing it was! I couldn't exactly see how many people, or who exactly, got on stage, but they did an amazing job. And Andy... Maybe it's just because I worship him and everything he does, but he was fucking amazing. Just... wow.

HIS VOICE IS SO DKLFHLSDHF. I wish he'd go solo. I wish he'd sing himself on ONE SONG. That's all I need. I would be happy forever. Actually, I'd probably go crazy. I'd probably go mentally insane from being so obsessed. I'm completely kidding, though.

I'm going to go pass out now. I'm exhausted, even though I've only been up for 10 hours. Lazy days are the best. They give me time to recooperate from eventful and nerve wracking nights. :)

The Dear Hunter

Jeeesuuuus christ. I had the best night I have in a long time. I need to go to more shows like that. I loved every single band, which I haven't really done in a looong time haha.

Let the records show that Andy Wildrick is the nicest man alive. If I were still in that whole teeny phase, I would say I was going to marry him. (let's pretend that blog about nic doesn't exsist when I say that statement ;))

I think next time I go see mewithoutYou I should go with a bunch of stoned kids so I'm not seen as weird, I'm just seen as high. (I guess it'll just be me and them who know I'm not) I <3 my hippie dancing, though. Hahahaha




Anyways, I'm going to bed. I'm glad tonight was so successful. I was really worried it wouldn't be. :)

I'll remember you

I'm so caught up in things to really realize just how many people I know suffer with alcoholism.




I know it's a common thing, but seeing my friends like that really puts me down. You'll do something with your life if you want. You'll be remembered forever, because everyone is. Everyone has a part in the history books, just some bigger than others. Maybe your struggle right now will help your kids, grandkids, relatives get through what you're trying so hard to do right now. Maybe they'll pass it on through generations.

I know I blog a lot about my mom's problem, but I guess I just kind of wanted to take the time to show that I don't just care about her predicament. I guess I just don't see this side of my friends enough to realize how things are going. I hear about them, sure, but I don't see them.

I sincerely hope they make it through this. I hope they don't end up as bad as my mom, or my grandfather, or the people you see on TV. I hope they can find the strength in themselves to stop. I hope they know I'm going to love them though, even if they can't break it. I'll support them through anything they do, as long as they try.

I love my friends. I really, really do.

I've got friends in all the right places

I wish you were more accesible.
I wish I was more helpful.
I wish we weren't strangers.
I wish our relationship hadn't deteriorated.

I wish you were more responsible.
I wish I was more understanding.
I wish we work things out.
I wish our morals were the same.

I wish you took action of what you needed to do.
I wish I didn't have to tip toe around the subject.
I wish we could get along.
I wish our conversations weren't empty.

I wish you weren't an alcoholic.
I wish I was perfect, like you want.
I wish we were mother and daughter.
I wish our family was a family.




I guess I can't have everything though, right ?

You gotta shake it out, shake it out

I was lying in bed, reading through my tweets when I thought of something. Actually, I heard someone snoring. It reminded me of the subject though.

Who the fuck keeps drinking after they've been told they've a got weak liver and kidneys. Who the FUCK keeps doing that. Really. Someone who obviously wants to die.

I'm just so...god. I'm just so fucking fed up with you. You're fucking digging yourself into a hole. You look like shit. Yeah, you're losing weight because you're fucking deteriorating. GOD. Can't you see that? Who the hell cares if you're losing weight, anyways. Apparently guys only like you for one reason. That one reason you always tell me guys like ugly girls for. The one reason guys only talk or go out with girls for. Well guess what, you're not any better than any of the girls I come home complaining about.

God damnit. What kind of mother are you, anyways? Aren't you suppose to be worrying about what your daughter's doing alone at home on a friday night instead of drinking yourself to sleep and flirting with any guy who looks at you? Can't you muster up enough emotion for someone OTHER than yourself to care about anything BUT my grades? That might as well be the one motherly thing you still do. Of course, it's the thing I most hate.

I'm so tired of this. I'm so DONE with this. I finally fucking got to the route of all your so-called "friends". I finally got to the route of your inability to look some what healthy lately. I finally got to the route of why I can't talk to you anymore. You're damn right when you say I don't act like I love you. How the hell am I suppose to, anyways? I don't know you, you don't know me.

So, fuck you. You're doing this all to yourself. If you die of liver or kidney failure, I fucking warned you. I fucking warned you every day for 5 years. So you just keep taking your pills, you just keep drinking your $5 wine. You're only hurting the ones you love more and more. I hope you realize that someday. I fucking hope you realize that.





ps. sorry about all of the unkind words. I'm just not a very happy camper right now. T___T

I tried to be the one you needed

Let's all close our eyes when reality rears it's ugly face, and pretend we're still living in a beautiful world ! Let's pretend there's no problems in the world, and go spend the endless supply of money we have ! Let's go skip school, because hell, we don't need school ! Let's go make careers in paths that make no money what so ever, and have it support us and a family of three ! Let's go drink ourselves into oblivion every night because it's fun and it makes all of our mediocre problems go away !

C'mon, it'll be fun ! We can live life the way we think it's "suppose" to be lived, not how it's going to be lived !

Call 911, I'm already dead, but someone should be caught and held responsible

for this bloody mess.

Today Rice Owl and Carnation had a little arguement.

It started when the Rice owl found Carnation chillin' in his shirt.He confronted Carnation about it, reminding him how much he disliked when people borrowed his things without asking. Carnation then told the Rice Owl that he enjoyed wearing the shirt, and didn't intend to give it back. The Rice Owl didn't appreciate this very much.

The Rice Owl jumped on Carnation, and wrestled him to the death for his shirt!

The Rice Owl won, and happily got his shirt back on.

He wants me to remind everyone of one little thing. Don't mess with the Rice Owl.

I only have one thing to say.

I've decided I'm going to marry Nic Newsham.






Yeppp.
hahahahahaha

I hope things don't change.

I hope I don't get pushed to the side like I have been with everyone else. I'm probably just over reacting though. You're better than that; you're better than them. At least I think you are.

I haven't posted a blog in awhile,

maybe because life hasn't really been going awfully. It's actually been going pretty great. I'm fairly happy right now.










Actually, I'm ecstatic right now. I finally got what I wanted. Maybe it took 6 months, but I fucking got it, and I'm so happy.

:) I hope you guys are doing as well as me !

We came here on a plane, just a bunch of little boys

We started a conversation about how I feel left out lately.

We ended the conversation about how I've apparently been a bitch lately.







Why does everything end lately with me feeling depressed?

Forgive Durden

I'm just going to say that the two year wait was worth every fucking minute.

I was laying in bed when something dawned on me.

This weekend would have been AWFUL if it wasn't for my best friend Laura. She was there to talk to me and comfort me when no one else was, literally. I basically talked to her all weekend, and I'm pretty thankful for it.

I was laying in bed, thinking about how we became friends, and when we became best friends. I couldn't really think of a time though when we weren't best friends. Even when we'd first met, we talked as if we'd known each other for a while. I've never really held out from telling her anything, nor have I ever felt that I needed to. Fights haven't really been a problem, unlike a couple other of my friends. She doesn't make unnecissary drama, either, which is great.

You always have that friend who you'd go crazy without. I mean sure I love my other friends, but there's always some aspect about them that drives me up the wall. Whether it's their inability to see the other side of things, or their ability to make me feel like I'm not really their friend, it just kind of picks at me until we go at it. Laura doesn't really have one of those qualities though. I'm not saying my other friends are awful people by any means.

Lately though, lately Laura and I haven't really been talking a lot. Or at least not as much as we normally do. Our schedules have been so different, and it just seems we try to talk to each other at the worst of times. I was afraid it would effect our friendship somehow, but it didn't. Obviously this weekend kind of fixed everything. I know I'm going to go back to texting her 24/7, and she knows she won't mind.

I'm seriously so thankful for her. This weekend would have been lonely and depressing if it weren't for her, haha. Even though everything worked itself out, it was really cool getting to talk to her so much. I did miss her, even if I didn't realize it. She always knew how to make me laugh when I really needed to. She didn't let me dwell on the bad things, but instead found something to help me get my mind off of them.

I don't know what this is getting at. Thanks for being there this weekend. I think our friendship was kind of lacking lately, but I'd like to believe we put the pieces back together.

I can't wait until I can webcam with you again ! Hahaha :)





I think I can finally get to sleep now.

ps. this is kind of redundant. I'm too tired to change it though. ;)

Well she just can't sustain the pressure where it's places; she caves.

I feel kind of ignored today. Laura's not ignoring me, but everyone else is. I guess it's just one of those days. Oh well.















Who wants to tell me why Holly isn't talking to me ? I'll give five dollars and a 'thanks' to anyone who does. :(

Out in the west, the cars are crashing.

I'm bored.
It's saturday.
I shouldn't be bored.

I wish my best friend didn't live so far.
I probably wouldn't be bored if she didn't.

I also wish my other best friend didn't have choir practice all day.
I probably wouldn't be bored if she didn't.

I wish I had more friends who wanted to hang out.
I probably wouldn't be bored if I did.

Oh well.











3 DAYS UNTIL FORGIVE DURDEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jealousy

I hate it when people make me jealous. I have this one friend, and I just know she does it intentionally. She'll talk about how she hates her NEW blackberry, or how she can't spend all of her money because she ONLY has over $100 for the concert she's going to in Austin.

Honestly? Fuck you. I'm over here wondering if I can afford a new CD, and you're complaining to me that you are afraid to meet your NEW roomates in your NEW apartment in the middle of MY favorite part of houston? Really? How about when you send me links to phones I could only dream of getting, because I can't even afford a camera that's $200, and the phone is like $400 ?

Now, I'm not saying I don't appreciate what I have, because I definitely do. I'm not saying I'm going around telling people I'm poor, because I'm not. I'm one of the luckier families in this country right now; in this world for christ's sake. I don't have a lot of money though, compared to everyone I know who's been complaining about money.

I mean, I wish my parents would drop $900 for a graduation present, but I know they won't. Not because they don't want to, just because they simply can't. (You don't brag about it though, so I'm not mad at you for it, haha. I'm just making a point.) I wish I could get a new phone that costs more than a month or two's payment of rent, but last time I checked a roof over my head was more important than a new communication device. I wish I could go shopping with $100 every time I went shopping, or buy whatever I wanted whenever I wanted online, but I was taught that food and necessities were much more important than material things. I wish I could have gotten that beautiful digital nikon for christmas, but the economy dropped and before I knew it I was just happy I could buy my film prints from walgreens.

So don't show me pictures of your new phone. Don't complain about money with a brand new camera. Don't talk about how you don't have any money right now yet you buy things constantly and your parents are abroad. Don't tell me ALL about your amazing road trip that you spent an insane amount of money on.

Don't rub in my face what I can't have. That just makes you a shitty friend, and an asshole.




Lime Tree just came on. I'm feeling a little better. Or...I'm getting my mind off of this subject and submersing it into another one. Thanks Conor.

Lime Tree - Bright Eyes

I keep floating down the river but the ocean never comes
Since the operation I heard you're breathing just for one
Now everything is imaginary, especially what you love
You left another message, said it's done
It's done

When I hear beautiful music it's always from another time
Old friends I never visit, I remember what they're like
Standing on a doorstep full of nervous butterflies
Waiting to be asked to come inside
Just come inside

But I keep going out
I can't sleep next to a stranger when I'm coming down
It's 8 a.m., my heart is beating too loud
Too loud
Don't be so amazing or I'll miss you too much
I felt something that I had never touched
Everything gets smaller now the further that I go
Towards the mouth and the reunion of the known and the unknown
Consider yourself lucky if you think of it as home
You can move mountains with your misery if you don't
If you don't

It comes to me in fragments, even those still split in two
Under the leaves of that old lime tree I stood examining the fruit
Some were ripe and some were rotten, I felt naseous with the truth
There will never be a time more opportune

So I just won't be late
The window closes, shocks roll over in a tidal wave
And all the color drains out of the frame
So pleased with a daydream that now living is no good
I took off my shoes and walked into the woods
I felt lost and found with every step I took




So, I don't think I've ever heard a song that effects my emotions, as this one does. I was watching a video of Conor singing it at this Hollywood Bowl thing with a whole like, full orchestra behind him, and it was breathe taking. He was crying, his back up singers were crying, the crowd the crying, I was crying. I wasn't even there, and I still felt the emotion going through that stadium.

It's a beautiful song for a morbid subject. I'm pretty sure only Conor could have done this.

Go listen to it. www.myspace.com/notasdeepasitseems

I want something new

in my life. Like a new person, or a new situation, or a new experience. SOMETHING, ANYTHING. It has to be good too. I think I'm fine with what I have if it's not going to be good.

*shrugs* I think I'll sing now.

I'M GONNA KEEP ON LOVIN YOUUUU ! CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY THING I WANNA DOOOOO. I DON'T WANNA SLEEP, I JUST WANNA KEEP ON LOVIN YOUUUUU !

I just saw ghosts of girlfriend's past, which is why I'm typing that everywhere. It's been stuck in my head for the past hour. Just be glad you didn't hear me actually sing that.

Make a plan to love me.

I forgot how much I loved Bright Eyes until now. I knew how much I loved Conor's new stuff, (mainly 'Souled Out' thanks to justin, but I'm working on listening to the rest of the songs on my ipod right now) but I'd forgotten how much fun I had listening to I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning, and that stuff. I listened to it for the last two days, until I tried something daring.

This morning I was singing along quietly with 'Poison Oak', when I decided to give Cassadaga another try. I was basically disappointed past belief when I bought it, and I think I tried to listen to it again and was...again disappointed. So I thought 'hey, my taste in music has changed since then, maybe I'll give it another try ! not to mention I want to hear the eisley girls' sing...' I clicked on the album, put it on, and like usual, started with 'Four Winds'. I already knew and loved that song, so I kind of forgot what I was doing while it was playing.

Before I knew it I was in love with the whole album. I hadn't really paid my full attention to the album, but when Four Winds came on again, I realized I hadn't changed it yet, therefore I liked it ! Nothing had made me skip the song, fast foward to a different part, or change the album as a whole ! So I finally paid my full attention to the first couple songs, until I came to one called 'Make a Plan to Love Me'. OH MY JESUS. It's my favorite song...ever.

So there. Go listen to Cassadaga, and love it. Love it the first time you listen to it too, because hating it is just a waste of time.


I heard you're scheming new pyramids
Another big idea to get you rich
Make a plan to love me sometime soon

You said you had your foot in the door
You buy and then you sell, you buy some more
Make a plan to love me sometime soon

Life is too short
Death doesn't ask
It don't owe you that
Some things you lose
You don't get back
So just know what you have
And make a plan to love me sometime soon

First you want to ride off into the sun
Then you want to shoot straight to the moon
Make a plan to love me sometime soon

When you are young the world is a ferris wheel
I know we will grow old it is lovely, still
Make a plan to love me sometime soon

Life is too short
To be a fool
I don't owe you that
Do what you feel
Whatever is cool
But I just have to ask

Will you make a plan to love me?
Will you make a plan to love me?
Will you make a plan to love me sometime soon?

So I posted a really nasty blog,

but it was just out of the moment. I love you, I really do. You're the best thing in my life, and I will always appreciate you. You've been there for me since birth. No, I didn't lose faith in you. No, you didn't let me down. No, you're not a horrible father.




You're still the best father I could ever ask for.

Clouds crash on the hillside, set to sail your soul at high tide

FORGIVE DURDEN IN 17 DAYS.

Wooohooo ! That's basically the first concert I've personally been really excited to see. Lately the concerts I go to are for Holly, so I'm super stoked to see someone I like. Especially with my dad ! I've missed going to concerts with him. He'll probably hate the new Java Jazz even more than the old one, haha. We'll seeee.

I forgot how much I loved The Matches ! I was choosing what to listen to, and I decided on them because I wanted to hear one of their songs. This song 'Clouds Crash' came on though, and I immediately fell in love again. Hooray for them ! :)

God I'm so bored. And tired. But I'm afraid to go to bed, so I can't do much about that.

Here's a picture:

That my friends, is Mayday Parade drawn on to Kindergarten gingerbread cut outs. Pwned. I think you can guess who's who, hahaha.

I'm so melodramatic sometimes

This is one of those times, haha.

I'm put to ease a little bit more, just because you answered to me. I felt like you were mad at me, but to know you just fell asleep puts my nerves to rest.

I still do feel bad for being such a shitty friend to you lately. I don't know what's going on with me. I've kind of been a bad friend to EVERYONE. Ashley, you, Holly, my dad. Not sure what's up.

Maybe it's that I've been on a weird schedule. I've been sleeping all afternoon, and obviously when I'd be texting people during school, I don't. It's probably because I haven't wanted to plug in my phone during the night. It's been dying on me a lot. It still doesn't excuse my shitty friendness.

I hope I'll fix things after posting this. I'm charging my phone up as I type this, so it better not die tomorrow. I promise to text you back EVERY time you text me. Haha, okay, probably not really, both of us end up dying at the end of conversations anyways.

So anyways. Now that I've fucked up everything by something that I don't even know what it is, I'm ready to get back to my wonderful friend status. :)

WHO WANTS TO BE MY BIFFLE !?

I'm kind of done with you;

and I never really realized it, either. I guess I was too busy trying to be your friend to notice who you really were.

You're so annoying, though. You think you're so much better than everyone. You think you're so fucking mature. You're really not. You're just a little kid. Inside you're just as lost as the rest of us, and you know it. Just because you've had sex with every guy you've dated doesn't make you wise. Just because you've hit rock bottom doesn't mean the rest of us still will. I don't love you, so stop telling me you love me. I know you don't, anyway. Stop asking me what you'd do without me; we all know you'd be just the same. I can see right through you, and I'm so glad I can.

I'm tired of your constant talk of drugs. I'm tired of you telling my friends to try them out. You're a loser because of that 'badass pot' you smoked, or that 'fucking sick' coke you snorted. I'm laughing at you, not with you.

Maybe five years ago I wanted to be your best friend, but now I'll run as far away from that as I can.

I hope you ruin your life, like you so badly want to. I hope you realize what you're doing, and what you've done. You've fucked up everything pure in your life, and good luck getting it back.

There's gotta be something wrong

Here's a list of things I love and hate

HATE:
I hate being shy.
I hate having crushes.
I hate being self conscious.
I hate rude musicians.
I hate feeling creepy.
I hate distance between people I love.
I hate tai food.
I hate homework.
I hate failing.
I hate competition.
I hate conflict.
I hate my mind.
I hate feeling dirty. (literally)
I hate my slow computer.
I hate slow google maps.
I hate when my favorite bands break up.
I hate that I hate so many things.

LOVE:
I love music.
I love family.
I love red lipstick.
I love friends.
I love sleeping.
I love relaxation, the few times I can get to it.
I love traveling.
I love realizing I've made a new best friend.
I love praise.
I love talking about the reign of kindo.
I love pepsi.
I love ice cream.
I love rainy days.
I love reading.
I love debating.
I love seattle's music scene.
I love seattle...as a whole.
I love portland.
I love brand new (yes, they get their own)
I love taking a good photograph.
I love learning a hard part on bass.
I love singing and dancing badly...by myself.
I love day dreaming.
I love writing.
I love being sarcastic.
I love laughing.
I love not worrying about money, the few times I don't have to.
I love v-necks.
I love vintage clothing.
I love dying my hair.
I love having red hair.
I love playing with eyeshadow.
I love feeling loved.

Cause love is nothing to waste, and I swore

never your heart shall I break.













I didn't mean to offend you; I'm just trying to help. I don't like seeing you so confused, and I don't like him either, for doing it to you.

You're not helping your situation by wishing for him though. I wish you would see that too, instead of saying it doesn't hurt to wish. It does, it does.

As long as your willing to put up with it, I am. It just doesn't make me happy seeing you unhappy.

My heart is caught in a landslide

I'm still on an Eisley kick. I thought about changing the music to Socratic, after humming Boy in a Magazine to myself, but then decided against it.

Uh, so, blog. Today. I completely forgot what I was going to talk about. It was something good, too. Hm...

Well, I finished a book today. It was called Apart From the Crowd. So good. It made me cry. Anna McPartlin is seriously a phenomenal writer. Fucking aye. I also developed a serious want to visit Ireland. Fucking aye x 2.

Uh, let's see, what else...

After completely lurking Sarah's blog, I came across the fact that Christofer Drew is a complete asshole, not only in Houston, but all over the world ! Hahahaha. Seriously though, you're 17 (maybe 18 now...I'm not sure) you've got fan girls all over the US, a big future is in the horizon, so why don't you thank the people who're giving you this oppurtunity. I can promise you, Mr Ingle, that without fans, you'll never get anywhere in life. So why don't you treat your fans like gold, so they feel the need to spread the word about your music, not about how you completely let them down ? I wish I could meet him so I could have a word with him, but of course...he's the most impossible person to meet...ever. Haha

I need to pee...really badly.

Bye !

PS. LOL LAURA JUST SAID DECLARATION OF DEPENDENCE. I love her.

Life is good

Yep. Life is good. Things are going my way today.

The last couple weeks have been weird. I've wanted numerous times to post one of my depressed blogs, but I over came that want, and now I'm greeting you with a happy blog. :> Happy faces included.

I officially believe in praying again, by the way. I don't know how many times I asked God last night to make my day better than what it had been yesterday, and you know what ? It totally was ! I asked him for a couple of other things, which also came true. My dad totally reads this though, so I'm not going into those things. Dads aren't meant to read about boys.

ANYWAYS. Something I found really interesting today was that I was talking to my geometry teacher, and she's been in an awful mood lately. I mean, she likes me regardless, but she's just been in a mad mood towards everyone else lately. So, today in first period (geometry is fifth) we were learning about India, where my teacher is from, so I made a point to ask her about it. I finally did, in the last 30 minutes of class, and her mood just completely flipped. She was super nice again, like she was a couple weeks earlier. It was cool seeing her eyes light up when I asked what state she was from. We talked about it for awhile. It was interesting.

I really love hearing people's stories. I thought about that today, and then I remembered why I even wanted to be a journalist in the first place. It was nice to be reminded of that.

PS. The editor of the newspaper really liked my golf article. GO ME. AND GO YOU FOR WISHING ME GOOD LUCK. :D

Just know I loved you when I hit the ground

What. The. Fuck.

How do I write an article on golf? Or more importantly, how do I write an article about a golf tournament I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT?

Epic fail.

In other news:

I kind of love Ace Enders...a lot lately. I've been listening to him constantly, and I still don't think I'm done listening to him. Hopefully this isn't going to be like a month long thing, but I don't know.

Someone tell him stop making such good music. Along with that, tell him to stop writing such great lyrics. Also! Tell him to stop making them so darn helpful.

I wish I could have seen him last time he came. I wish he would come back soon, too.

Next topic:

he is so beautiful.
oh.my.god.

I don't understand why God feels the need to make people who look like that. I mean, and Jesse Lacey? What the hell, God? Why? Don't even get me started on Nic Newsham.

Laura and I have been on the same page when it comes to guys lately. It's making me pretty happy. All we talk about it Nic Newsham and Envy. It's great, hahaha.

or-ay-gone. or-ah-ghin.

Bring back love

Sometimes I forget how tightly wound the Leachmans really are. Sometimes I forget how much stuff about the family there is that I don't know. Sometimes I forget how loving every single member of the family is.

I love my family, I really do. I don't know where I would be without them. I always think I'm such a loner, I'm so lost, when I'm really not. I've got 7 people standing on the other side of the bridge with lanters, waititng to lead me the rest of the way, I just have to find my way to the bridge.

Why is opening myself up to people so hard? I've never known how closed up I was until a few years ago. I've never realized that the shyness I've always dealt with was put into affect with even people I know; people I love. Why can't I just tell them how I feel and listen to their advice?

I've got so much floating around my head at all times. If I could open up my brain, and let you see inside, it would look like a sky black with flies. Is it all of that jumbled mess that's keeping me from saying how I feel? Is it that it just takes me too long to pick out what I want to say? Maybe it's that I just second guess myself with every decision I make... I'm not sure. I wish I could figure it out though, because it would make life so much easier.

Until then though, I'll continue on with the 'ha's and 'yeah's, since that's all I seem to be able to ever contribute to conversations.

PS. I truly had forgotten how much I loved my grandma until tonight.

PSS. Damn you, dad. I know what you were up to when you hung up tonight >:.

PSSS. It was actually really predictable. Once she called I knew you had something to do with it. I think she tried to play it off like she didn't talk to you, but I know you.

PSSSS. You owe me one Neil Boshart. KTHNX.

If anyone knows where my mom is

feel free to tell me, because I can't find her.

The One That You Hated - The Early November

Is it my fault?
If it was planned, then yes, it was.
Well then because of me (don't talk)
Your selfishness ruins everything.
Well if every moment always counts for something,
Then we lost this running around.
All these settings never changed for better.

I sent you a place and time.
I thought you could use it,
To learn how to love your worst despised.
I sent you down with that kid.
The one that you hated,
I thought you could raise him just like you.

I can change this I swear;
Now that's just the voice of all your fear.
Now, that's not quite it, (don't talk)
I promise I'll build it twice, the best. (Your promise to build is tired and pit-less)
Well with all your money power give solutions like this...
And all these settings never changed for better.

I sent you a place and time.
I thought you could use it,
To learn how to love your worst despised.
I sent you down with that kid.
The one that you hated,
I thought you could raise him just like you.

Then bring him back to me,
Exactly how you wanted him to be.
All these settings never made it better.

I sent you a place and time.
I thought you could use it,
To learn how to love your worst despised.
I sent you down with that kid.
The one that you hated,
I thought you could raise him just like you.

I want to go to Seattle.

I want to drive around and get lost all of the time. I want to complain about having to walk Pike's Place Market for the 3907503957th time. I want to count all of the Trader Joes I see. I want to have the best Starbucks in the world. I want to die of embarrassment when my mom goes into Everett's Trader Joes and asks for Ryan, even though I tell her not to. I want to have endless laughter while we're goofing around on the road. I want to take pictures of gorgeous places I could spend forever looking at. I want to be on the look out for anyone I can recognise. I want to drive through towns 20 miles away from where we're really suppose to be. I want to have god awful mexican food. I want to see a real landscape, not just flat land. I want to gaze at mountains because it's the only time I'll get to. I want to wonder why their radio is just as bad as Houston's with all of the great bands that're there. I want to walk past the Space Needle like it's nothing because I've seen it so many times. I want to feel the 70 degree weather in the middle of summer. I want to go to random malls that most call 'the norm'. I want to drive by Microsoft Offices and be reminded how lame it is. I want to play around in the Music Experience thing and laugh at my mom singing Heart. I want to get lost in Bremerton because my mom didn't know you had to get off of the ferry boat. I want to wake up every morning in a city that I can't get enough of.

I want to smile because I love where I am.

All of my posts have been depressing, lately

I'm sorry, but this is another one. It'll be short though, because I'm not going to elaborate.





I'm tired of you being an alcoholic. I'm tired of not living up to your expectations. I'm tired of being compared to you. I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm tired of being the parent in this relationship. I'm tired of none of my feelings being thought of. I'm tired of being let down.

And most of all, I'm tired of you.





That's all.

I feel like I'm walking on nails around you,

and I know that's not how friends are suppose to feel.

I feel like you're just constantly judging me lately, and I know that's not how friends are suppose to feel.

I feel like I'm the only one putting effort into this friendship, and I know that's not how friends are suppose to feel.

I feel like you just kind of don't like me anymore, and I really know that's seriously not how friends are suppose to feel.






So how do I fix it?

I wish I could pause time

and just chill out for a week. That would be great, right?

Only 40 something days left in school, and I've never been so anxious for it to end. Freshman year was as bad as people warned me it would be. Bring on next year, please. I'm expecting it to be a piece of cake. Photography, yearbook, alg 2, world history, chemistry, golf, and english 2. Doesn't that seem easy? With only three AP courses, I'm set.

Maybe I'll actually be able to sleep next year, too!




ps. I'm starting to think being anti-social was better than what I am now. Everyone seemed to like me better when I was quiet and to myself, and frankly, so did I.

I stayed up all night a couple nights ago

And I'm still effected by it. I only got four hours of sleep last night, but I stayed home to catch up on my sleep.

I might go to the doctor. I know I'm not sick or anything, but I'm tired of being dizzy >:(. I'm tired of being tired too. Where did all of my energy go?



Golf tournament tomorrow. Wish me luck that I don't die.

Hey, maybe I can be el presidente.

I have a bone to pick with a certain musician. A certain musician in a certain really awful band. A certain musician who is 'best friends' with a certain 16 year old disney channel star. A certain musician who is 9 years older than his best friend.

I wouldn't have a problem if this wasn't dealing with an underaged person. I also wouldn't have a problem if all of these teen magazines weren't hoping these friends would become a couple. What the fuck guys. That's illegal on so many levels, kthanks.

Honestly, I have a couple questions for this guy. I know he'll never see this, but I'm going to list them anyways.

1) I know people are mentally mature for their age, but you are 25 and she's 16. Are you just really immature, or has she just grown up way too fast?
2) Don't you find it a little creepy that your best friend is so young? Like, don't you see any wrong in this situation?
3) Where are your morals? Haha, really.
4) Why are you an asshole to everyone else her age (IE: your fans?) but she's a different story? Is it her fame? Is it her looks? Is it her friends?
5) Don't you find it weird to think that when she was in the fifth grade or something, you were graduating college? I know I would >.<



Anyways, I'm done.

ps. This guy just posted on myspace that he's ice skating at this mall 20 minutes from me. lolololol ironic.

I feel like I'm being...

...annoying tonight. Maybe I should just go back to sleep :/.


Anyways, holla @ cho ghost town. Haha, I'm kidding that's not a ghost town (to the side...) It's just a small town's downtown. It was pretty cool. Over spring break when I went to all of those mid-eastern texas towns, they all had that kind of downtown. They were all made out of old buidlings. I kind of wish I was back there. I wish we'd stopped so I could have taken more pictures of those places, actually. They were so coool. It would have taken us forever to get any where if we had, though.

fkhlsdkhg I'm going back to sleep before I feel like I piss anyone else off. I hate feeling like this, but of course, it always happens. I didn't realize how often it does until today.

I'm sorry for having a reason to hate him.
I'm sorry for not being sympathetic for you.
I'm sorry for pissing you off by trying to save you money.
I'm sorry for...being me today.

Jesus the people at school were bitches today. At least in journalism they were. I just realized that when I was writing that last one.

Mmmph. I'm going now. Sorry for being emo, LOL.

I finally got spread the rumors,

and carnation approves.

golf...

is kicking my ass.



holy crap.

Ah, sleep

Is not on my agenda until my hair dries. I dyed it, and oh my god, it's fabulous. I'm a legit ginger now, something I've been trying to achieve for a year or two now. I'm so happy, hahaha. My roots are strawberry blonde though, but I don't even care. I just love the color so much. I'm happy.

Today I drove by AIG. I lol'ed at the building, and then decided I shouldn't be laughing. My dad and I had a conversation about them, and he kind of opened my eyes to a whole new perspective of the situation. I'm still not too happy with the bonus business, though. He told me it was promised, I told him that promise is shot to hell thanks to the economy. He told me no, it wasn't, I told him that was bullshit, and that it should be. Maybe that's not the exact words I said, but it was pretty close, hahaha. That's how I felt, at least.

Sandi and I got along really well today. It made me appreciate her again. For awhile she was a little cranky, but I don't know...she's been so friendly this weekend. Maybe it's the fact that my dad isn't balancing our lives on a rope string now. Thanks Dodge, for doing well in this current economic crisis. I'm pretty sure my whole family appreciates you. No matter the reason, I'm seeing why I approved of her in the first place. She's great, really.

I found the treasure of Ace Enders' cover of Bittersweet Symphony, earlier. I thought it was just him, but when I found out the singers for The Rocket Summer, SOCRATIC, Person L, Copeland, and RELIANT K were on it too, along with a few others, I was stokeddddd. Haha, I basically flipped out when I found out Duane (Socratic) was on it. I stood up and stared at the screen. Then I started squealing and what not. Oh, what a great treasure I have found. :)

Anyways, I'm going to bed I guess. I'm way too tired to stay up for my hair to dry. I've got to wash off my back anyways. Thanks shower for getting all of the dye off of me T___T.

Night :)

Pepsi and s'more poptarts?!

Mmmm, so good.

I'm going to blog about what's going on right now.

I'm sitting at my dad's house, eating some s'more poptarts which I thought were long gone, and drinking some pepsi that I also thought was a past memory. Today was okay. I've had much better. Something about today though, I don't know. I feel very refreshed, but then I don't. I'm not sure how I feel right now. It's like I feel great, and then I don't. I feel like I'm going somewhere, and then I don't. When I think about it, I'm really not going anywhere. I'm sitting on a computer, blogging about being optimistic/pessimistic, and eating a poptart.

I made myself a brand new shirt. It's pretty cool. I really like it, haha. Everyone asked me why I didn't just buy one, and I replied with 'Jesse said not to.' They were also asking what BR& NIZZLE meant. Hahaha.

Uhm, I don't know. Lol I'm so bored. My dad's lurking behind me right now. He's pretty stinky. He needs a shower before he cooks dinner. I kind of want chinese, but I think I'm having these little chicken things :>. They both sound good. He's laughing, and I don't know why. I think it's at my BR& NIZZLE thing. Oh, yeah, that was it. :)

He just told me to stop thinking and I'll enjoy life.






Maybe I'll just do that.

b-r-a-n-d, b-r-a-n-d, b-r-a-n-d spells brand

n-e-w, n-e-w; brand new from long island!

that's to the tune of that black song.
I was singing it today to myself, and I was also listening to brand new, so I wanted to make a song about them.

I came up with that.

All along the eastern shore, put your circuits in the sea

HEEEEELLOOOOO!
I don't know what to blog about.

I killed my reign of kindo kick. My dad played Jack's Mannequin in the car Friday night, and finally on Saturday I decided I needed to listen to something else. I listened to Socratic for awhile, and then I decided to put it on shuffle. I finally ended up going to sleep listening to Shudder by Bayside. This morning (er, yesterday morning?) I changed it to my new MGMT cd. I've been listening to that all day. I'm contemplating now whether or not I wanted to listen to 2*sweet. I'm leaning towards yes, I do, but I still want to listen to MGMT. My head is confused.

Uhmmm, I messaged emily (driskill) today over myspace, haha. It was weird. I told her about my new camera, new focusing screen, and then asked her if it was weird when people gushed over jesse to her. She gave me an amusing message back. She's so talkative! I guess I am too though, when it's over the internet. She just kind of talks alot all of the time. That's definitely a good thing when it comes to talking to me XD.

Anyways, I've basically drank 6 pepsis in the matter of one day. I have a problem, huh? Ugh, I'm thinking about drinking another one, but I know I shouldn't. I have to keep in this stupid positioner anyways. I really shouldn't take it out anymore, seeing I didn't wear it at all from thursday through saturday.

I'm extremely tired, and tomorrow's school. I'm going to wake up early this morning, I guess, and get my biology homework done. I'm going to do my world geo homework during school, because it's seriously WAY too much for me to do tonight. I'd be up all night if I tried. Who the fuck gives out 7 chapters of chapter notes for spring break, anyway?!

Uhm, I'm going to go to bed now, I think. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, but there's no avoiding it. I seriously wish there was. Maybe I'll just fast foward my way through high school, hahaha. That sounds great!

Lol my mom just woke up and asked me why I'm still up. I never have an answer to that question. I guess because I didn't want to go to sleep? I'm not sure. Normally I just make that I don't know noise. Niiiight.




PS! If anyone can get me a Nic Newsham I will be forever thankful, hahaha :D

PSS! Justin Pence will work too, if you can't score a Nic.

It seems all that I love, has been left far behind

I'm reaaaaaaaally tired right now, so I'm just going to sum up everything that's happened.

Saturday - I packed up my belongings and left with my grandma for Bremond, TX. (Population: 876)

Sunday - We headed out to Temple. (Population: 5,000 something. Still nothing compared to good ole Houston)

Monday - Here we come Waco! We went to the Dr. Pepper museum, by the way. I got a new 'I'm a Pepper!' shirt, finally.

Tuesday - Dallas/Plano. The most boring places ever. They did have pretty highways though.

Wednesday - Back home! But instead I went to Holly's.

Thursday - Holly and I painted her room! The time that the first coat was being done we were pretty pissed off and tired, but once the second coat came around, we had a much better time.

Friday - We (including Emily!) saw Nevershoutnever, THE HONORARY TITLE :DDDDD, The Scene Aesthetic, and The...Brighter Lights? I don't know. Jarrod Gorbel made me really nervous. I've been really good about talking to people in bands lately, but I just kind of shook the whole time. I got a picture with him though :D, along with Eric from The Scene Aesthetic ! :)



So now it's saturday (YEAAAAH) and I'm going to bed. I'm so exhausted, and I really just can't wait to sleep in my own bed.

I wanted to make s many song referenced with that song.
1) It's saturday, YEAAAAH, and I just fell in loveee.
2) and I just can't WAIT to be kiiiiing!

Ugh, sleep, now.
Goodnight




PS! I'm still listening to The Reign of Kindo

Headed straight for the pacific blues

I'm not even sure, like, what to blog about. I know the subject, but I don't know how to word it. I don't know...

Lately I don't know much though, so that's not new.

Anyways, I'm tired of this place. I'm tired of fighting with my mom all the time, I'm tired of being let down by my dad, I'm tired of not having anyone really there to lean on, and most of all, I'm tired of crying. Jesus.

It'll be soon enough that I'm getting a car, though. Then when stuff happens like this, I can just climb in and leave. Clear my head for awhile. I love just aimlessly driving around, so it'll be very soothing. I'll turn up some music (preferably the reign of kindo ;)) and just leave everything at home. Of course, it'll be there when I get back, but it'll be nice to get away for awhile.

Someday she'll get it, though. And that day I finally won't have to leave every time I'm upset. I won't be inclined to make that decision. I won't be forced to stay out of her welfare more so than my liking. I won't be frustrated and hateful towards her. I won't feel the need to yell and shake with anger at her words, anymore.

I've tried everything, and I'll continue to try for these next 7 months. I'll hide the screws, I'll dump the bottles, I'll catch her in the act, and I'll put my heart on my sleeve to show her what I'm feeling. Basically all that I've done for the past 5 years, I'll continue doing. Maybe I'll just ignore her, too.

I wonder what she's going to do when I leave. She knows right now I'm not living with my dad because of her. She knows I feel like I have to take care of her. What does she do about it though? Nothing. She wants me to be the parent. She wants to be taken care of. I don't find it fair, but I guess life isn't fair, right?

But when I leave for college, what's she going to do? She knows I'm not going to live with her. She knows I'm trying to go out of state, too. Rice, sure it's close, but does she really think I have a chance? And how about Northwestern. They'd laugh in my face if I tried to apply. I'm not staying close to home, or anywhere else that's remotely like home. I'm going somewhere far, and northwestern.

Anyways, I'm done talking about this. It felt good to get that out to someone (or rather someTHING) else other than my dad. I'm glad you, blogspot, cannot tell me some stupid story or remark about her. I'm glad you can't tell me everything negative about her. I already know, anyways.

Stupid bitter, divorced, parents. You always have something bad to say about the other.

Anyways, goodnight. I'm tired. I get to sleep in an hour tomorrow. Hoorah for finally getting my braces off. It's taken long enough.

PS. All this blog was was complain, complain complain. I'm really sorry haha.

Leaving this town like a one man parade

So, these are some pictures I took at the reign of kindo concert on sunday night. I took them with my contax, hence the 'not very sharp&digital looking' quality. I like them though. I had a bunch more I liked, but the people who did the CD didn't put them on the CD. They suck, epicly.

Today's been an okay day. Kind of weird. It started off in world geo when I broke down because the teacher make me bring up all of my problems right now, haha. I was so overwhelmed. It happens I guess? Then I went to Journalism, which was all good. Lorey, Carly and I looked at this factual website. We learned that a) butterflies do indeed poop, b) crocodiles have extremely creepy eyes, and c) that eskimos don't kiss, they rub their noses together. In English we finished up Lord of the Flies. It was basically my third time of finishing it, but it was fun none the less. Biology was lame. Math was lame. Lunch was lame. And then in Spanish I talked to Emily all period. We decided we would be biffles? Haha, I don't know. It was fun though.

Anyways, tonight turned into kind of a rough night. If it weren't for the Reign of Kindo, I'd probably be going crazy right now. Thank god for ROK.

Good night. Maybe I'll post an exciting blog tomorrow. Eh? Eh?

Bloop

Sometimes I wonder what's my purpose on this world. I'm only 15, but right now it doesn't feel like I really have one. Maybe it's just to be one more person to help kill this world with pollution and toxins. Maybe it's to break someone's heart, or to have mine broken! Maybe...it's to marry some rich guy and do nothing for myself, ever. Who knows?

I do know, golfing is not my calling. I'm sorry Grandpa, for letting you down. I know you must have been pretty excited up there in heaven, when you heard I was playing golf again. I'm sorry I don't like it. I'm sure you'll understand. Beth Ann didn't like it, right? Neither did Len, but he had his swimming. I'm sorry Dad, for not liking it either. I didn't mean to let you down, I just have more important things to worry about than making my family happy by playing a sport that's taking up valuable time.

Someday I'll figure out what I'm on this world for. Be it to change the world with my reporting, or to help out tiny bands make a living out of what they love by putting them out there, on the scene.

Maybe it'll be to stay at home for my whole life. Or I could live in the streets, and sell my body for money to eat.

I don't think I'll know until I die. And sometimes that worries me.




The world is just a playing field for man
And the blanket sky will cover every last event
From the battles of the ages to the baby sleeping tight
I could sing a rhyme and try to
Find the reasons for each place and time
To wrap the world around my mind, but I know at best...

Words were never meant for
Explaining the mystery of our day
We're so afraid of what's at stake when we die
Still I never wanted to live in such fear of the unknown
Or the reasons for pain in this life

I still wonder what we're doing here
As I stare into the midnight sky, confronted by my fears
Is there something worth redeeming
In this old and tired world?

Or has all been lost,
Because every change will have its cost
And I can see, there's still an ember
Left of something good.

I know at best...

Words were never meant for
Explaining the mystery of our day
We're so afraid of what's at stake when we die
Still I never wanted to live in such fear of the unknown
Or the reasons for pain in this life

I could sing a rhyme and try to
Find the reasons for each place and time
To wrap the world around my mind,
But I'd regret the time poorly spent
Because I know at best...

Words were never meant for
Explaining the mystery of our day
We're so afraid of what's at stake when we die
Still I never wanted to live in such fear of the unknown
Or the reasons for pain in this life



ps. I've been on a Reign of Kindo kick. Does anyone blame me? I watched videos of them all afternoon. It's safe to say that if I could pick anyone to be with fo'eva, I'd pick Steven Padin. Hahahaha I'm so creepy! D:

Just Wait

One more day and it's all the same.
Time is a poison and it's coursing through my veins.
Got somewhere to be and I'll be done if i know where.
The bank is broke and the well is dry.
There's nothing wrong here that refuses to be set right.
I keep pushing forward but the scenery won't change.

All the days that I live, the best is yet to come if I just wait for it.
But time will find a way to run your patience thin.
Praying for some promise that this life can make,
with my youngest years at stake.

My sights are set on the open skies.
?My better days are found to fall before my eyes.?
Fool enough to overlook the beauty of a day.
Still I thirst for my next big thrill,
full of desire but I'm bankrupt of all will.
I can set my blame to many tunes that you can sing.

And you sing, "Oh,
don'tcha know,
don'tcha know,
don'tcha know.
Don'tcha ya know,
don'tcha ya know,
the skies made ?fun out of? the bad and good
so don't hold your breath at all-
slow your spin into a crawl.

All the days that I live, the best is yet to come if I just wait for it.
But time will find a way to run your patience thin.
Praying for some promise that this life can make,
with my youngest years at stake.

Everything that I love could soon be stripped away
in all the time that it takes to blink your eye.
Everything I hold certain could be swiftly changed,
and every breath in my lungs could be the last one I take.

All the days that I live, the best is yet to come if I just wait for it.
But time will find a way to run your patience thin.
Praying for some promise that this life can make,
with my youngest years at stake.






bloop.
that's how I feel right nooow.
I saw the reign of kindo on sunday.
they blew me away, AGAINN.
I'm not sure if it's even fucking possible for them to have a SLIGHTLY bad show.

I'm also astonished by the idiocracy of people who do not like them. I'm not sure how...anyone can't like them. They're just so...talented, and full of enery, and passionate, and dlkghsdlgh RAH. Amazing! I just don't understand! I guess people probably don't understand how I like them, so whatever. It's a mutual thing.

Anyways, the show was pretty great. They played their whole EP, haha. Not many songs from their full length, but far more than last time I saw them. Actually, I think they played like twice as many songs as they did last time. They had some problems, (ie: the temperature, steve's hi-hat broke (I think it was?), I'm sure kelly's trumpet was awful to play. as a brass musician myself, I know the cool air just kind of shoots your range/tuning/basically everything, to hell. it could be different with trumpet, but I highly doubt it.) but it was still epic.

My dad and I talked to steve (padinnn, extra n's for emphasis) before the show. He was reaaaally nice. I didn't talk...at all, because well, I felt bad still. (read the blog below) I don't know. I know I shouldn't have. It's really NOT my fault. I didn't really have much to say to him anyway. I didn't have much to say to anyone. Except for Mike. I didn't get to meet him though. :(! I probably had some stuff to say to steve, (likethefactthathe'sthecutestthingsinceever) but my socially awkward tendencies took the best of me. I should get over that.

So, over all, the show was an epic success. I love the reign of kindo. If it wasn't for them, right now I'd probably be bashing heads into walls. They tend to calm me down...a lot. Maybe I should take up video games. That'd probably be a good stress reliever. That's what I have golf for though, right?

I'm rambling now. I'm going to go. KBYE.

ps. I'm getting my pictures developed. I'll have them tomorrowwww, maybe. I hope they turned out good. >.<

pss. I told them (steve) about the blog below. I told him I left the link in their comments. I have this theory though, that once you're in a signed band, you can't check your comments EVER. Unless you're the morning light. So I'm highly betting that they haven't seen it, and they will never see it. I could be wrong. I could just be underestimating them. I honestly doubt that I am, though.