being a friend

is really hard. especially when you can’t be there for them, physically.

i mean, i’m glad you found someone to be there for you, though. i’m glad he was so kind to you, when you expected him not to be. i’m glad you’re not alone, like you felt you were. i’m so glad you have friends over there, but i can’t help but feel helpless when you say things like that. i can’t help but feel left out and useless when you don’t fill me in, even though i was the one who asked you to. i can’t help but feel like i’m just a bad friend when you don’t even reply to me now.

it’s hard, being 1,000 miles from you, especially in times like these, and i try my hardest, but sometimes i know that just isn’t enough.

life hurts.

i’ve got this prank texter

there’s a large possibility of who it could be.

I was really afraid it was you, though. Luckily, you won’t read this, though. You, the only person who’s ever broken my heart. You, the only person I’ve only liked for more than a few months. You, the person I made a fucking fool of myself for.

Whoever it was, said so many things to make me think it was you. I think I’m just paranoid. I know you want nothing to do with me. I know you never liked me, anyways. Sometimes it hurts, though, thinking about you. I did well in forgetting you, but I guess not well enough. I wouldn’t be hurting right now if I had.

Fucking hell. I hope by tomorrow I’m over this, because if I go into that omgimissyou stage again, I will fucking shoot myself. I don’t think I will though. Just thinking about you right now, I’m already feeling myself starting to get over this whole thing.

LKDSHGLSKDHG I’m confused now.

i see how this works now

i try to help people, and i’m brushed off. with some, i’m doing it for my own good. i don’t want them to be happy. with others, they just don’t want to open up. i’m willing to listen, but they don’t want to take advantage of that.

either way, both make me feel like a piece of shit for a person.

life is such fucking bullshit.

AND I FUCKING HATE THE SOUND OF PEOPLE SNORING

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sometimes i wonder why i’m alive

i wonder what my purpose in life is. i’m so impatient. i don’t know how people can be happy just being in the moment. i can’t stand it. i’m always looking ahead.

i wish there was some sort of secret portal i could hope through, even for just a moment, to see where i’ll be in 20 years. will i be happy? will i be married? will i have children? what will my profession be? i can’t fathom actually waiting 20 years to know these kinds of things.

i always stress myself out about stupid shit like that, too. i plan so far ahead. so far ahead, i couldn’t even possibly keep my plans. sometimes i wonder why i’m so stupid. why i’m so ridiculous. why i’m so naive. this false wisdom i have isn’t doing much for me. i’m the farthest thing from wise i know, so why do i continue to fool myself into thinking i’m so much more wise than everyone else i know?

so we all do this? do we all see ourselves higher than everyone else? i mean, i guess i don’t feel superior to everyone… just some people. and i don’t know, maybe i am. not superior than them… just a little more mature, or something.

i feel like a fool contemplating any of this. i know i’ll look back at this later on in life (assuming i don’t delete it or something) and laugh at my naivety. i’m almost looking forward to it, actually.

i hate life. but i love thinking about the future.

i guess not everybody can have the same look on things

sometimes i feel like shit when people don’t agree with me. well, mostly always. i’m not a very argumentative person. i give up very easily. i’ll always be the first to say ‘you’re right, i’m wrong.’ sometimes i feel guilty when people don’t agree with me. i feel like i’ve offended someone. i’m a fairly opinionated person, but only to myself. and this blog.

so anyways, i guess what made me feel bad was over this fb status. this girl was complaining because arizona passed another law against illegal immigrants. it was something about children not being considered legal, even if they were born here. i’m not going to say i agree with it, but i don’t necessarily agree with any of it. i think legalization should just be made easier. that way they’ll pay taxes like we do, have an equal opportunity to jobs like we do, and just not have to be worried about being deported like we do. it would make things so much easier. but i mean, it doesn’t work like that, so we’ve got to work with what we’ve got. since illegal immigrants DO have to worry about being deported, i don’t think it’s fair when they have children on US soil so their child can stay when they have to leave. i know they want their child to have a better life, but most foster families/orphanages are not a better life. my grandma works for cps, so i’m pretty skeptical of child care services by default. i think being with your family would be so much better than even chancing a life in a home with 20 other children. you pretty much lose that bond between children and parents, the attention you receive, the caring factor. i mean, you’re really just another head that has to be taken care of. unless you get lucky and are placed into a good home, but still…that’s not a fair chance.

i think it’s better to be deported with your family, so that at least you’re with people who love you. i mean, they had you in the US so that you could have a better life, so obviously they do love you. but if that doesn’t work out, you’re still together. you’re still a family. and you’ll never lose that. you’ll grow up knowing that at least your parents tried to give you a better life. and hey, who knows what the laws could be in the future. maybe they’ll make the legalizing process easier. but for know, you have to work with what you’ve got. and i think sticking together, and keeping that family bond is the best way to be able to cope with things.

blegh. iewjneofklefd. i hope i don’t sound closed minded or something.

quick! think of something deep to blog about before i give this link to deepak!

fuck, i’m drawing a blank.

i’m really sore today. i’ve worked sixteen hours these past two days. i feel like i’m going to roll over and die when i go to sleep, haha.

the junior varsity is playing a reunion show. i really hope i can go. it’s aaaaaaaaaall the way in illinois, but i think my dad would more than likely take me. it’s like…’our’ band, i guess you could say haha. if i don’t get to go, i won’t be crushed or anything. i know it’s a long way away haha. i really do hope i can, though. they mean so much to me, and to see them for their real last show (i think) would be so amazing. and meeting asa would be so…just, i don’t know. he, his music, and his achievements have helped me through so much, and i think it would be amazing to end this part of my life by meeting him. i think even if i did go, though, i’d be too much of a pussy to talk to him. he really helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel, when it came to my mom’s addiction. for so long, i’d just coped with it being that way for the rest of my life. but when he sobered up, i knew she could over come it if she wanted to, because he’d done just that. i don’t know if it was under the same circumstances, but i know it’s a hard decision to make, regardless. he just stands for so much to me. he’s my hero, in a way. and he’s just too fucking nice. i still freak out from time to time that he was so kind. beep. i might email him. i probably won’t.

anyways, i just spent like, an hour or two talking to rolando over skype. i was going to post this like, 3428752 hours ago, but i did that instead.

i’m fucking tired.