We came here on a plane, just a bunch of little boys

We started a conversation about how I feel left out lately.

We ended the conversation about how I've apparently been a bitch lately.







Why does everything end lately with me feeling depressed?

Forgive Durden

I'm just going to say that the two year wait was worth every fucking minute.

I was laying in bed when something dawned on me.

This weekend would have been AWFUL if it wasn't for my best friend Laura. She was there to talk to me and comfort me when no one else was, literally. I basically talked to her all weekend, and I'm pretty thankful for it.

I was laying in bed, thinking about how we became friends, and when we became best friends. I couldn't really think of a time though when we weren't best friends. Even when we'd first met, we talked as if we'd known each other for a while. I've never really held out from telling her anything, nor have I ever felt that I needed to. Fights haven't really been a problem, unlike a couple other of my friends. She doesn't make unnecissary drama, either, which is great.

You always have that friend who you'd go crazy without. I mean sure I love my other friends, but there's always some aspect about them that drives me up the wall. Whether it's their inability to see the other side of things, or their ability to make me feel like I'm not really their friend, it just kind of picks at me until we go at it. Laura doesn't really have one of those qualities though. I'm not saying my other friends are awful people by any means.

Lately though, lately Laura and I haven't really been talking a lot. Or at least not as much as we normally do. Our schedules have been so different, and it just seems we try to talk to each other at the worst of times. I was afraid it would effect our friendship somehow, but it didn't. Obviously this weekend kind of fixed everything. I know I'm going to go back to texting her 24/7, and she knows she won't mind.

I'm seriously so thankful for her. This weekend would have been lonely and depressing if it weren't for her, haha. Even though everything worked itself out, it was really cool getting to talk to her so much. I did miss her, even if I didn't realize it. She always knew how to make me laugh when I really needed to. She didn't let me dwell on the bad things, but instead found something to help me get my mind off of them.

I don't know what this is getting at. Thanks for being there this weekend. I think our friendship was kind of lacking lately, but I'd like to believe we put the pieces back together.

I can't wait until I can webcam with you again ! Hahaha :)





I think I can finally get to sleep now.

ps. this is kind of redundant. I'm too tired to change it though. ;)

Well she just can't sustain the pressure where it's places; she caves.

I feel kind of ignored today. Laura's not ignoring me, but everyone else is. I guess it's just one of those days. Oh well.















Who wants to tell me why Holly isn't talking to me ? I'll give five dollars and a 'thanks' to anyone who does. :(

Out in the west, the cars are crashing.

I'm bored.
It's saturday.
I shouldn't be bored.

I wish my best friend didn't live so far.
I probably wouldn't be bored if she didn't.

I also wish my other best friend didn't have choir practice all day.
I probably wouldn't be bored if she didn't.

I wish I had more friends who wanted to hang out.
I probably wouldn't be bored if I did.

Oh well.











3 DAYS UNTIL FORGIVE DURDEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jealousy

I hate it when people make me jealous. I have this one friend, and I just know she does it intentionally. She'll talk about how she hates her NEW blackberry, or how she can't spend all of her money because she ONLY has over $100 for the concert she's going to in Austin.

Honestly? Fuck you. I'm over here wondering if I can afford a new CD, and you're complaining to me that you are afraid to meet your NEW roomates in your NEW apartment in the middle of MY favorite part of houston? Really? How about when you send me links to phones I could only dream of getting, because I can't even afford a camera that's $200, and the phone is like $400 ?

Now, I'm not saying I don't appreciate what I have, because I definitely do. I'm not saying I'm going around telling people I'm poor, because I'm not. I'm one of the luckier families in this country right now; in this world for christ's sake. I don't have a lot of money though, compared to everyone I know who's been complaining about money.

I mean, I wish my parents would drop $900 for a graduation present, but I know they won't. Not because they don't want to, just because they simply can't. (You don't brag about it though, so I'm not mad at you for it, haha. I'm just making a point.) I wish I could get a new phone that costs more than a month or two's payment of rent, but last time I checked a roof over my head was more important than a new communication device. I wish I could go shopping with $100 every time I went shopping, or buy whatever I wanted whenever I wanted online, but I was taught that food and necessities were much more important than material things. I wish I could have gotten that beautiful digital nikon for christmas, but the economy dropped and before I knew it I was just happy I could buy my film prints from walgreens.

So don't show me pictures of your new phone. Don't complain about money with a brand new camera. Don't talk about how you don't have any money right now yet you buy things constantly and your parents are abroad. Don't tell me ALL about your amazing road trip that you spent an insane amount of money on.

Don't rub in my face what I can't have. That just makes you a shitty friend, and an asshole.




Lime Tree just came on. I'm feeling a little better. Or...I'm getting my mind off of this subject and submersing it into another one. Thanks Conor.

Lime Tree - Bright Eyes

I keep floating down the river but the ocean never comes
Since the operation I heard you're breathing just for one
Now everything is imaginary, especially what you love
You left another message, said it's done
It's done

When I hear beautiful music it's always from another time
Old friends I never visit, I remember what they're like
Standing on a doorstep full of nervous butterflies
Waiting to be asked to come inside
Just come inside

But I keep going out
I can't sleep next to a stranger when I'm coming down
It's 8 a.m., my heart is beating too loud
Too loud
Don't be so amazing or I'll miss you too much
I felt something that I had never touched
Everything gets smaller now the further that I go
Towards the mouth and the reunion of the known and the unknown
Consider yourself lucky if you think of it as home
You can move mountains with your misery if you don't
If you don't

It comes to me in fragments, even those still split in two
Under the leaves of that old lime tree I stood examining the fruit
Some were ripe and some were rotten, I felt naseous with the truth
There will never be a time more opportune

So I just won't be late
The window closes, shocks roll over in a tidal wave
And all the color drains out of the frame
So pleased with a daydream that now living is no good
I took off my shoes and walked into the woods
I felt lost and found with every step I took




So, I don't think I've ever heard a song that effects my emotions, as this one does. I was watching a video of Conor singing it at this Hollywood Bowl thing with a whole like, full orchestra behind him, and it was breathe taking. He was crying, his back up singers were crying, the crowd the crying, I was crying. I wasn't even there, and I still felt the emotion going through that stadium.

It's a beautiful song for a morbid subject. I'm pretty sure only Conor could have done this.

Go listen to it. www.myspace.com/notasdeepasitseems

I want something new

in my life. Like a new person, or a new situation, or a new experience. SOMETHING, ANYTHING. It has to be good too. I think I'm fine with what I have if it's not going to be good.

*shrugs* I think I'll sing now.

I'M GONNA KEEP ON LOVIN YOUUUU ! CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY THING I WANNA DOOOOO. I DON'T WANNA SLEEP, I JUST WANNA KEEP ON LOVIN YOUUUUU !

I just saw ghosts of girlfriend's past, which is why I'm typing that everywhere. It's been stuck in my head for the past hour. Just be glad you didn't hear me actually sing that.

Make a plan to love me.

I forgot how much I loved Bright Eyes until now. I knew how much I loved Conor's new stuff, (mainly 'Souled Out' thanks to justin, but I'm working on listening to the rest of the songs on my ipod right now) but I'd forgotten how much fun I had listening to I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning, and that stuff. I listened to it for the last two days, until I tried something daring.

This morning I was singing along quietly with 'Poison Oak', when I decided to give Cassadaga another try. I was basically disappointed past belief when I bought it, and I think I tried to listen to it again and was...again disappointed. So I thought 'hey, my taste in music has changed since then, maybe I'll give it another try ! not to mention I want to hear the eisley girls' sing...' I clicked on the album, put it on, and like usual, started with 'Four Winds'. I already knew and loved that song, so I kind of forgot what I was doing while it was playing.

Before I knew it I was in love with the whole album. I hadn't really paid my full attention to the album, but when Four Winds came on again, I realized I hadn't changed it yet, therefore I liked it ! Nothing had made me skip the song, fast foward to a different part, or change the album as a whole ! So I finally paid my full attention to the first couple songs, until I came to one called 'Make a Plan to Love Me'. OH MY JESUS. It's my favorite song...ever.

So there. Go listen to Cassadaga, and love it. Love it the first time you listen to it too, because hating it is just a waste of time.


I heard you're scheming new pyramids
Another big idea to get you rich
Make a plan to love me sometime soon

You said you had your foot in the door
You buy and then you sell, you buy some more
Make a plan to love me sometime soon

Life is too short
Death doesn't ask
It don't owe you that
Some things you lose
You don't get back
So just know what you have
And make a plan to love me sometime soon

First you want to ride off into the sun
Then you want to shoot straight to the moon
Make a plan to love me sometime soon

When you are young the world is a ferris wheel
I know we will grow old it is lovely, still
Make a plan to love me sometime soon

Life is too short
To be a fool
I don't owe you that
Do what you feel
Whatever is cool
But I just have to ask

Will you make a plan to love me?
Will you make a plan to love me?
Will you make a plan to love me sometime soon?

So I posted a really nasty blog,

but it was just out of the moment. I love you, I really do. You're the best thing in my life, and I will always appreciate you. You've been there for me since birth. No, I didn't lose faith in you. No, you didn't let me down. No, you're not a horrible father.




You're still the best father I could ever ask for.

Clouds crash on the hillside, set to sail your soul at high tide

FORGIVE DURDEN IN 17 DAYS.

Wooohooo ! That's basically the first concert I've personally been really excited to see. Lately the concerts I go to are for Holly, so I'm super stoked to see someone I like. Especially with my dad ! I've missed going to concerts with him. He'll probably hate the new Java Jazz even more than the old one, haha. We'll seeee.

I forgot how much I loved The Matches ! I was choosing what to listen to, and I decided on them because I wanted to hear one of their songs. This song 'Clouds Crash' came on though, and I immediately fell in love again. Hooray for them ! :)

God I'm so bored. And tired. But I'm afraid to go to bed, so I can't do much about that.

Here's a picture:

That my friends, is Mayday Parade drawn on to Kindergarten gingerbread cut outs. Pwned. I think you can guess who's who, hahaha.