i can't seem to sleep

i'm really, really exhausted. it's 4:30 in the morning. i should be happy to sleep, but for some reason i've got too much on my mind to actually sleep.

so i' just going to drop it off here.

1. that stupid, stupid, stupid boy who's been plaguing my thoughts for over a year, now. i wish he'd go away already. i wish i'd find somebody else who just completely blew him out of the water. i wish i would forget about him. holly's going through the same thing, and hearing her talk about it made me think about it. i just want to move on already. i've tried everything to try and win him back or whatever, and obviously that got me no where but here, plus a little more self loathing.

2. i don't want to go back to school. i'm having a good time lounging around during break, and i'm not ready to go back. i don't want to be stressed again, and i don't want to face the reality of class rank and all of that competition. i'm scared, and i know i won't be pleased. i know i'm going to be let down by myself. i'm still kicking myself over last year. of course, right now i've got straight b's. i have to bring that up. and here i go again.

3. every other stupid boy in my life who i'm pretty sure hates me. damnit. i need to learn to make the guys i'm interested in like me. even on a friend level.

4. friends. i'm stoked right now, because i'm kind of making amends with my friend i wrote that previous blog about. we're talking a bunch again, and things are back to normal. i'm just afraid it won't be permanent. i know it's up to be, but i'm afraid i'll go back into my old ways and we won't talk as much again.

5. i really like farewell. just putting that out there.

6. my grandma's been really nagging lately. i love her and stuff, but ever since the other day when we got in this big argument, she's been kind of annoying. she's a cool person, very generous when she's in the right mood, but lately she's just been on her high horse or SOMETHING. it's been kind of annoying. my mom won't stop bitching about her either, which is pretty annoying too, lol.

i think that's about it. i really need to get to bed now. it's 4:50 now, and i'm about to fall over and sleep, haha.

i've got more!

i'm so bad at keeping friends. i'm bad at being a friend, in general. damnit.

it's always happened. i make these friends online, and it's cool for awhile, but then the friendship just kind of dwindles. i don't talk to half of the people i used to. most of that's good, but sometimes i wonder.

i thought this friendship was different though. the first year passed, and i was stoked. the second year flew by, and now here we are, nearing our third year, i think. i have this gut feeling we're not going to make it. sometimes i feel like she's trying hard than i am, and that hurts. i then tell myself that i'll try harder, but then i feel the tables turn. i'm so confused by everything. at least i'm still there the few times she needs me.

i know she's found someone else, closer now, and i'm happy for her. he's a cool guy. i had the luck to meet him when i was visiting. at least i know i'm not being replaced by some stranger. i think the best part about it though, is that he's local. i never liked the fact that i had a close best friend, but yours was thousands of miles away.

god, she were such a great friend though, while it lasted. i can't convey how much fun i had staying up until 3, just goofing off. i'm not near ready to let go, but she's growing up and, well, i'm not. i'm still the same person i was two years ago, when we met because i liked her fanfiction. she's a college student now, and she's grown up considerably. maybe i'm wrong. maybe she's still the same person she was. maybe we just don't talk enough for me to still see that.

i'm depressing myself, now. i'm ready to cry. i'm not ready for this. i don't want anything to change. i would give anything to go back a year and redo things.

after awhile, i'll just be a dim memory, though. she'll rarely think of me, just like everybody else i've lost contact with.




i'm going to go be melancholy and cry now.

i always reread my posts

and absolutely hate them. i always think i'm being naive about things. or i'm trying too hard to say something so simple. or that i'm trying to impress somebody who i know won't even read it. i think i just judge myself too hard.


i read this horoscope book the other day. it wasn't like 'you will do this on this day' but more explaining the different types of signs. i've always been pretty skeptical about that kind of thing, but when i was reading it, i noticed how true it was to myself.

it was funny, because one part said about how libras (my sign) always make it up in their head that others don't really like them. i think you can tell from reading any of my other blogs, that that's very true. i don't know. i know it's just a coincedence. i did learn quite a bit about myself through that book though. i'm sure i could have read other signs and done the same thing, though.

it also said that i try too hard to impress people who are close to me, or something like that. it's so true, too. i always catch myself doing that afterwards, and it's obnoxious. i hate the fact that i can't really control any of it, either. i always find myself making my social networking statuses something that i think a certain person would reply to if they're online. or i'll carry myself a certain way so that somebody would like me more. i think it has to do with my insecurities about the people i associate myself with. like my best friend.

i love her to death. i just, i get jealous i guess, because i've never met somebody who hasn't liked her more than me (other than laura). it's whatever. i never stopped caring, i just stopped letting it affect me. i'm a cool person, and if they want to like her better than that's their loss.



right?

Oh, you know what? Next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.

i've been enjoying myself lately. what's a blog with a happy person, though? doesn't it defeat the purpose of interesting blogging if you're just saying how good your life is?

haha, whatever. it's been okay. my bank keeps fucking me over, but otherwise!

i got together with some family today (christmas?), it was nice seeing them. they live a couple of hours away, so i don't typically see them very often. then again, i haven't seen the family in tyler in god know's how long, so maybe i should reconsider what often is. anyways, we all went to church last night, and normally it's all good and stuff, but this time around i had a proble with it. the pastor said something about christmas songs not being very christian anymore.

please remind me how christian christmas even is now days. half of the people who celebrate just do it people it's what society knows what to do. december 25th is christmas, no matter what you believe. now some people follow their religion and remember christmas for jesus' birth, or follow the other traditions for hanakkuh, kwanza, ect, but out of however many people in america there are, how many really do that? how many really celebrate christmas because jesus christ was born in a tiny manger in a tiny town to non-socialite parents? or is it more of a celebration because finally it's that time of the year when you get a week off from work and a raise to help fund those pricey gifts you have to buy?

i have no problem with that, though. to each his own, right? the problem i have is this pastor was saying something about how we shouldn't pay attention to the non-christian christmas songs. really? i mean, i like my jingle bell rock and, well, i'd like to keep my halls decked! i'm not going to completely ignore the christmas traditions because they're not properly "christian". who is properly christian anymore? who's going to turn off the radio because the stations are trying to make everybody happy by not shoving christian christmas songs down their throats? who's going to discourage their kids from humming that catchy wham! song they heard playing on the soft rock station 10 times in an hour? who's going to be a debby downer of a party and change white christmas because it's not christian enough?

nobody.

i mean, i love going to the christmas service. don't get me wrong. but sometimes people need to calm down and see that nothing is fully about christianity anymore. it's nothing to be discouraged about, it's just the world expanding to accomidate everybody now. house holds would be depressing without christmas, but if it were just a christian holiday, then a lot of people would be without. by expanding it, it's become a cheerful time for all, and it's probably even turned some people on to the religion and the original traditions and meanings.


i'm tired.
i'm tired of ranting too.
i'm going to stop making sense if i continue.
goodnight.

hi

things are cool right now. life is good, for the most part.

i'm a happy child.