i'm kind of

melodramatic at night. maybe i just need to start going to bed before it turns dark to avoid all of it.


boooooooooo me.

happy 100th post, me!

woooooohooooooooo





anyways, alcohol's been a big subject today. i guess i'll just put my two cents in to what i've thought.

i was talking to laura earlier, and i was joking around about drunk texts and how humourous they are, when i told her she should drink and text me all the time. then i went on to say i was joking, and that i would probably hate her if she drank all the time. it's honestly nothing personal. she's my best friend, i love her to death. if she drank, though, i feel like i wouldn't be able to see that. i'd forget all of that like i do with my mom. she may not be as...pathetic, as my mom, but i wouldn't be able to see that either. i feel like my experience with alcoholics has just corrupted how i see alcohol in all.

i'd never be able to be friends with someone who drank on a regular basis. it's just not something i would be able to mentally do. i'm not strong enough to deal with that. i don't see the fun in alcohol, anyways. you lose yourself? is that fun? you just let go for a couple of hours? there's so many other ways to do that, so why choose the most harmful? it doesn't even taste good.

i just. haha i just hate alcohol. it's ruined my image of people. it's done so much harm to me without me even trying it. i'm really thankful that i have friends who don't find it necissary to party and drink all of the time. i'm really thankful that i have a father who respects my wishes not to drink. i'm really thankful that i have some i look up to that constantly reminds me that alcoholism CAN be beat.

what did you learn tonight?

ah,
love brand new.



Who do you carry that torch for, my young man?
Do you believe in anything?
Or do you carry it around just to burn things down?

Meet me tonight on the turnpike my darling,
where we believe in everything.
If we sweat all these debts then we're sure to drown,
so let's strap ourselves up to this engine now
with our God who we found laying under the back seat.

What did you learn tonight?
while shouting so loud, you barely joyous, broken thing.
You are a voice that never sings, is what i say.
You are freezing over hell
You are bringing on that end you do so well
and you can only blame yourself, is what is say.

Oh, order your daughters to ignore me
think that will sort me?
and sweep me under the rug?
while you're beating with a book
everyone that book tells you to love.

There is an ember in the heart of this kiln
and it's burning hot with love.
Burning out my center till there's nothing but dust
then rolling me with care into your cigarette
cause the God i believe in never worked on a campaign trail.

What did you learn tonight?
You're shouting so loud, you barely joyous, broken thing.
You're a voice that never sings, is what i say.
You are freezing over hell.
You are bringing on the end you've read about
and you can only blame yourself, is what i say.

Feels like we could escape this,
I might throw it away for fear of the silver sun.
If you try running a maze of your lies,
it's too hard to save you've thrown out everyone.

Who do you carry that torch for, my young man?
Do you believe in anything,
or do you carry it around just to burn things to the ground?

i'm going to go so insane

i need to be by myself. i need my own padded room and a boom box. i need to clear my mind.

i'm going to end up institutionalized if things keep going the way they are. god. i just can't do it sometimes. i really can't.

i'm tired of this life. i'm tired of these people. i'm tired.

frustration's going to eat me alive.

relient k

is just freaking awesome. they're one of the only christian bands i listen to, but i think i'm starting to remember why.

most christian bands shove God and faith down your throat. they say how much they need Him, and how He saved their life...and all of that other cliche stuff. relient k writes more of the stuff i can relate to.

has anyone ever really read the lyrics to be my escape? i mean, i know everyone thinks it's over played, or like lame and mainstream, but it's actually a really spectacular song. i've never been able to relate so much to a song.

I've given up on giving up slowly
I'm blending in so you won't even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
And this one last bullet you mention
Is my one last shot at redemption
'Cause I know to live you must give your life away

And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though there's no way of knowing where to go
I promise I'm going because

I got to get out of here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I got to get out of here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I've given up on doing this alone now
'Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
You’ve told me the way, and now I'm trying to get there
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit, that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

'Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though there's no way of knowing where to go
I promise I'm going because
I got to get out of here
’Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake
I got to get out of here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can't ask you to give what you already gave

'Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though there's no way of knowing where to go
I promise I'm going because
I got to get out of here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I got to get out of here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I fought you for so long
I should have let you win
Oh, how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
Oh, but so were you
So were you


yep. i just feel like that's me. all me.