I'm so melodramatic sometimes

This is one of those times, haha.

I'm put to ease a little bit more, just because you answered to me. I felt like you were mad at me, but to know you just fell asleep puts my nerves to rest.

I still do feel bad for being such a shitty friend to you lately. I don't know what's going on with me. I've kind of been a bad friend to EVERYONE. Ashley, you, Holly, my dad. Not sure what's up.

Maybe it's that I've been on a weird schedule. I've been sleeping all afternoon, and obviously when I'd be texting people during school, I don't. It's probably because I haven't wanted to plug in my phone during the night. It's been dying on me a lot. It still doesn't excuse my shitty friendness.

I hope I'll fix things after posting this. I'm charging my phone up as I type this, so it better not die tomorrow. I promise to text you back EVERY time you text me. Haha, okay, probably not really, both of us end up dying at the end of conversations anyways.

So anyways. Now that I've fucked up everything by something that I don't even know what it is, I'm ready to get back to my wonderful friend status. :)

WHO WANTS TO BE MY BIFFLE !?

I'm kind of done with you;

and I never really realized it, either. I guess I was too busy trying to be your friend to notice who you really were.

You're so annoying, though. You think you're so much better than everyone. You think you're so fucking mature. You're really not. You're just a little kid. Inside you're just as lost as the rest of us, and you know it. Just because you've had sex with every guy you've dated doesn't make you wise. Just because you've hit rock bottom doesn't mean the rest of us still will. I don't love you, so stop telling me you love me. I know you don't, anyway. Stop asking me what you'd do without me; we all know you'd be just the same. I can see right through you, and I'm so glad I can.

I'm tired of your constant talk of drugs. I'm tired of you telling my friends to try them out. You're a loser because of that 'badass pot' you smoked, or that 'fucking sick' coke you snorted. I'm laughing at you, not with you.

Maybe five years ago I wanted to be your best friend, but now I'll run as far away from that as I can.

I hope you ruin your life, like you so badly want to. I hope you realize what you're doing, and what you've done. You've fucked up everything pure in your life, and good luck getting it back.

There's gotta be something wrong

Here's a list of things I love and hate

HATE:
I hate being shy.
I hate having crushes.
I hate being self conscious.
I hate rude musicians.
I hate feeling creepy.
I hate distance between people I love.
I hate tai food.
I hate homework.
I hate failing.
I hate competition.
I hate conflict.
I hate my mind.
I hate feeling dirty. (literally)
I hate my slow computer.
I hate slow google maps.
I hate when my favorite bands break up.
I hate that I hate so many things.

LOVE:
I love music.
I love family.
I love red lipstick.
I love friends.
I love sleeping.
I love relaxation, the few times I can get to it.
I love traveling.
I love realizing I've made a new best friend.
I love praise.
I love talking about the reign of kindo.
I love pepsi.
I love ice cream.
I love rainy days.
I love reading.
I love debating.
I love seattle's music scene.
I love seattle...as a whole.
I love portland.
I love brand new (yes, they get their own)
I love taking a good photograph.
I love learning a hard part on bass.
I love singing and dancing badly...by myself.
I love day dreaming.
I love writing.
I love being sarcastic.
I love laughing.
I love not worrying about money, the few times I don't have to.
I love v-necks.
I love vintage clothing.
I love dying my hair.
I love having red hair.
I love playing with eyeshadow.
I love feeling loved.

Cause love is nothing to waste, and I swore

never your heart shall I break.













I didn't mean to offend you; I'm just trying to help. I don't like seeing you so confused, and I don't like him either, for doing it to you.

You're not helping your situation by wishing for him though. I wish you would see that too, instead of saying it doesn't hurt to wish. It does, it does.

As long as your willing to put up with it, I am. It just doesn't make me happy seeing you unhappy.

My heart is caught in a landslide

I'm still on an Eisley kick. I thought about changing the music to Socratic, after humming Boy in a Magazine to myself, but then decided against it.

Uh, so, blog. Today. I completely forgot what I was going to talk about. It was something good, too. Hm...

Well, I finished a book today. It was called Apart From the Crowd. So good. It made me cry. Anna McPartlin is seriously a phenomenal writer. Fucking aye. I also developed a serious want to visit Ireland. Fucking aye x 2.

Uh, let's see, what else...

After completely lurking Sarah's blog, I came across the fact that Christofer Drew is a complete asshole, not only in Houston, but all over the world ! Hahahaha. Seriously though, you're 17 (maybe 18 now...I'm not sure) you've got fan girls all over the US, a big future is in the horizon, so why don't you thank the people who're giving you this oppurtunity. I can promise you, Mr Ingle, that without fans, you'll never get anywhere in life. So why don't you treat your fans like gold, so they feel the need to spread the word about your music, not about how you completely let them down ? I wish I could meet him so I could have a word with him, but of course...he's the most impossible person to meet...ever. Haha

I need to pee...really badly.

Bye !

PS. LOL LAURA JUST SAID DECLARATION OF DEPENDENCE. I love her.

Life is good

Yep. Life is good. Things are going my way today.

The last couple weeks have been weird. I've wanted numerous times to post one of my depressed blogs, but I over came that want, and now I'm greeting you with a happy blog. :> Happy faces included.

I officially believe in praying again, by the way. I don't know how many times I asked God last night to make my day better than what it had been yesterday, and you know what ? It totally was ! I asked him for a couple of other things, which also came true. My dad totally reads this though, so I'm not going into those things. Dads aren't meant to read about boys.

ANYWAYS. Something I found really interesting today was that I was talking to my geometry teacher, and she's been in an awful mood lately. I mean, she likes me regardless, but she's just been in a mad mood towards everyone else lately. So, today in first period (geometry is fifth) we were learning about India, where my teacher is from, so I made a point to ask her about it. I finally did, in the last 30 minutes of class, and her mood just completely flipped. She was super nice again, like she was a couple weeks earlier. It was cool seeing her eyes light up when I asked what state she was from. We talked about it for awhile. It was interesting.

I really love hearing people's stories. I thought about that today, and then I remembered why I even wanted to be a journalist in the first place. It was nice to be reminded of that.

PS. The editor of the newspaper really liked my golf article. GO ME. AND GO YOU FOR WISHING ME GOOD LUCK. :D

Just know I loved you when I hit the ground

What. The. Fuck.

How do I write an article on golf? Or more importantly, how do I write an article about a golf tournament I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT?

Epic fail.

In other news:

I kind of love Ace Enders...a lot lately. I've been listening to him constantly, and I still don't think I'm done listening to him. Hopefully this isn't going to be like a month long thing, but I don't know.

Someone tell him stop making such good music. Along with that, tell him to stop writing such great lyrics. Also! Tell him to stop making them so darn helpful.

I wish I could have seen him last time he came. I wish he would come back soon, too.

Next topic:

he is so beautiful.
oh.my.god.

I don't understand why God feels the need to make people who look like that. I mean, and Jesse Lacey? What the hell, God? Why? Don't even get me started on Nic Newsham.

Laura and I have been on the same page when it comes to guys lately. It's making me pretty happy. All we talk about it Nic Newsham and Envy. It's great, hahaha.

or-ay-gone. or-ah-ghin.

Bring back love

Sometimes I forget how tightly wound the Leachmans really are. Sometimes I forget how much stuff about the family there is that I don't know. Sometimes I forget how loving every single member of the family is.

I love my family, I really do. I don't know where I would be without them. I always think I'm such a loner, I'm so lost, when I'm really not. I've got 7 people standing on the other side of the bridge with lanters, waititng to lead me the rest of the way, I just have to find my way to the bridge.

Why is opening myself up to people so hard? I've never known how closed up I was until a few years ago. I've never realized that the shyness I've always dealt with was put into affect with even people I know; people I love. Why can't I just tell them how I feel and listen to their advice?

I've got so much floating around my head at all times. If I could open up my brain, and let you see inside, it would look like a sky black with flies. Is it all of that jumbled mess that's keeping me from saying how I feel? Is it that it just takes me too long to pick out what I want to say? Maybe it's that I just second guess myself with every decision I make... I'm not sure. I wish I could figure it out though, because it would make life so much easier.

Until then though, I'll continue on with the 'ha's and 'yeah's, since that's all I seem to be able to ever contribute to conversations.

PS. I truly had forgotten how much I loved my grandma until tonight.

PSS. Damn you, dad. I know what you were up to when you hung up tonight >:.

PSSS. It was actually really predictable. Once she called I knew you had something to do with it. I think she tried to play it off like she didn't talk to you, but I know you.

PSSSS. You owe me one Neil Boshart. KTHNX.

If anyone knows where my mom is

feel free to tell me, because I can't find her.

The One That You Hated - The Early November

Is it my fault?
If it was planned, then yes, it was.
Well then because of me (don't talk)
Your selfishness ruins everything.
Well if every moment always counts for something,
Then we lost this running around.
All these settings never changed for better.

I sent you a place and time.
I thought you could use it,
To learn how to love your worst despised.
I sent you down with that kid.
The one that you hated,
I thought you could raise him just like you.

I can change this I swear;
Now that's just the voice of all your fear.
Now, that's not quite it, (don't talk)
I promise I'll build it twice, the best. (Your promise to build is tired and pit-less)
Well with all your money power give solutions like this...
And all these settings never changed for better.

I sent you a place and time.
I thought you could use it,
To learn how to love your worst despised.
I sent you down with that kid.
The one that you hated,
I thought you could raise him just like you.

Then bring him back to me,
Exactly how you wanted him to be.
All these settings never made it better.

I sent you a place and time.
I thought you could use it,
To learn how to love your worst despised.
I sent you down with that kid.
The one that you hated,
I thought you could raise him just like you.

I want to go to Seattle.

I want to drive around and get lost all of the time. I want to complain about having to walk Pike's Place Market for the 3907503957th time. I want to count all of the Trader Joes I see. I want to have the best Starbucks in the world. I want to die of embarrassment when my mom goes into Everett's Trader Joes and asks for Ryan, even though I tell her not to. I want to have endless laughter while we're goofing around on the road. I want to take pictures of gorgeous places I could spend forever looking at. I want to be on the look out for anyone I can recognise. I want to drive through towns 20 miles away from where we're really suppose to be. I want to have god awful mexican food. I want to see a real landscape, not just flat land. I want to gaze at mountains because it's the only time I'll get to. I want to wonder why their radio is just as bad as Houston's with all of the great bands that're there. I want to walk past the Space Needle like it's nothing because I've seen it so many times. I want to feel the 70 degree weather in the middle of summer. I want to go to random malls that most call 'the norm'. I want to drive by Microsoft Offices and be reminded how lame it is. I want to play around in the Music Experience thing and laugh at my mom singing Heart. I want to get lost in Bremerton because my mom didn't know you had to get off of the ferry boat. I want to wake up every morning in a city that I can't get enough of.

I want to smile because I love where I am.

All of my posts have been depressing, lately

I'm sorry, but this is another one. It'll be short though, because I'm not going to elaborate.





I'm tired of you being an alcoholic. I'm tired of not living up to your expectations. I'm tired of being compared to you. I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm tired of being the parent in this relationship. I'm tired of none of my feelings being thought of. I'm tired of being let down.

And most of all, I'm tired of you.





That's all.

I feel like I'm walking on nails around you,

and I know that's not how friends are suppose to feel.

I feel like you're just constantly judging me lately, and I know that's not how friends are suppose to feel.

I feel like I'm the only one putting effort into this friendship, and I know that's not how friends are suppose to feel.

I feel like you just kind of don't like me anymore, and I really know that's seriously not how friends are suppose to feel.






So how do I fix it?

I wish I could pause time

and just chill out for a week. That would be great, right?

Only 40 something days left in school, and I've never been so anxious for it to end. Freshman year was as bad as people warned me it would be. Bring on next year, please. I'm expecting it to be a piece of cake. Photography, yearbook, alg 2, world history, chemistry, golf, and english 2. Doesn't that seem easy? With only three AP courses, I'm set.

Maybe I'll actually be able to sleep next year, too!




ps. I'm starting to think being anti-social was better than what I am now. Everyone seemed to like me better when I was quiet and to myself, and frankly, so did I.