i’ve got this prank texter

there’s a large possibility of who it could be.

I was really afraid it was you, though. Luckily, you won’t read this, though. You, the only person who’s ever broken my heart. You, the only person I’ve only liked for more than a few months. You, the person I made a fucking fool of myself for.

Whoever it was, said so many things to make me think it was you. I think I’m just paranoid. I know you want nothing to do with me. I know you never liked me, anyways. Sometimes it hurts, though, thinking about you. I did well in forgetting you, but I guess not well enough. I wouldn’t be hurting right now if I had.

Fucking hell. I hope by tomorrow I’m over this, because if I go into that omgimissyou stage again, I will fucking shoot myself. I don’t think I will though. Just thinking about you right now, I’m already feeling myself starting to get over this whole thing.

LKDSHGLSKDHG I’m confused now.

i see how this works now

i try to help people, and i’m brushed off. with some, i’m doing it for my own good. i don’t want them to be happy. with others, they just don’t want to open up. i’m willing to listen, but they don’t want to take advantage of that.

either way, both make me feel like a piece of shit for a person.

life is such fucking bullshit.

AND I FUCKING HATE THE SOUND OF PEOPLE SNORING

ojgflgkhsdzjhgepifwkljjrdshiklrweg

sometimes i wonder why i’m alive

i wonder what my purpose in life is. i’m so impatient. i don’t know how people can be happy just being in the moment. i can’t stand it. i’m always looking ahead.

i wish there was some sort of secret portal i could hope through, even for just a moment, to see where i’ll be in 20 years. will i be happy? will i be married? will i have children? what will my profession be? i can’t fathom actually waiting 20 years to know these kinds of things.

i always stress myself out about stupid shit like that, too. i plan so far ahead. so far ahead, i couldn’t even possibly keep my plans. sometimes i wonder why i’m so stupid. why i’m so ridiculous. why i’m so naive. this false wisdom i have isn’t doing much for me. i’m the farthest thing from wise i know, so why do i continue to fool myself into thinking i’m so much more wise than everyone else i know?

so we all do this? do we all see ourselves higher than everyone else? i mean, i guess i don’t feel superior to everyone… just some people. and i don’t know, maybe i am. not superior than them… just a little more mature, or something.

i feel like a fool contemplating any of this. i know i’ll look back at this later on in life (assuming i don’t delete it or something) and laugh at my naivety. i’m almost looking forward to it, actually.

i hate life. but i love thinking about the future.

i guess not everybody can have the same look on things

sometimes i feel like shit when people don’t agree with me. well, mostly always. i’m not a very argumentative person. i give up very easily. i’ll always be the first to say ‘you’re right, i’m wrong.’ sometimes i feel guilty when people don’t agree with me. i feel like i’ve offended someone. i’m a fairly opinionated person, but only to myself. and this blog.

so anyways, i guess what made me feel bad was over this fb status. this girl was complaining because arizona passed another law against illegal immigrants. it was something about children not being considered legal, even if they were born here. i’m not going to say i agree with it, but i don’t necessarily agree with any of it. i think legalization should just be made easier. that way they’ll pay taxes like we do, have an equal opportunity to jobs like we do, and just not have to be worried about being deported like we do. it would make things so much easier. but i mean, it doesn’t work like that, so we’ve got to work with what we’ve got. since illegal immigrants DO have to worry about being deported, i don’t think it’s fair when they have children on US soil so their child can stay when they have to leave. i know they want their child to have a better life, but most foster families/orphanages are not a better life. my grandma works for cps, so i’m pretty skeptical of child care services by default. i think being with your family would be so much better than even chancing a life in a home with 20 other children. you pretty much lose that bond between children and parents, the attention you receive, the caring factor. i mean, you’re really just another head that has to be taken care of. unless you get lucky and are placed into a good home, but still…that’s not a fair chance.

i think it’s better to be deported with your family, so that at least you’re with people who love you. i mean, they had you in the US so that you could have a better life, so obviously they do love you. but if that doesn’t work out, you’re still together. you’re still a family. and you’ll never lose that. you’ll grow up knowing that at least your parents tried to give you a better life. and hey, who knows what the laws could be in the future. maybe they’ll make the legalizing process easier. but for know, you have to work with what you’ve got. and i think sticking together, and keeping that family bond is the best way to be able to cope with things.

blegh. iewjneofklefd. i hope i don’t sound closed minded or something.

quick! think of something deep to blog about before i give this link to deepak!

fuck, i’m drawing a blank.

i’m really sore today. i’ve worked sixteen hours these past two days. i feel like i’m going to roll over and die when i go to sleep, haha.

the junior varsity is playing a reunion show. i really hope i can go. it’s aaaaaaaaaall the way in illinois, but i think my dad would more than likely take me. it’s like…’our’ band, i guess you could say haha. if i don’t get to go, i won’t be crushed or anything. i know it’s a long way away haha. i really do hope i can, though. they mean so much to me, and to see them for their real last show (i think) would be so amazing. and meeting asa would be so…just, i don’t know. he, his music, and his achievements have helped me through so much, and i think it would be amazing to end this part of my life by meeting him. i think even if i did go, though, i’d be too much of a pussy to talk to him. he really helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel, when it came to my mom’s addiction. for so long, i’d just coped with it being that way for the rest of my life. but when he sobered up, i knew she could over come it if she wanted to, because he’d done just that. i don’t know if it was under the same circumstances, but i know it’s a hard decision to make, regardless. he just stands for so much to me. he’s my hero, in a way. and he’s just too fucking nice. i still freak out from time to time that he was so kind. beep. i might email him. i probably won’t.

anyways, i just spent like, an hour or two talking to rolando over skype. i was going to post this like, 3428752 hours ago, but i did that instead.

i’m fucking tired.

this is fucking ridiculous

i put my faith in someone, and then i come back to reality. why did i even for a second think you were so amazing? haha i thought i was in love with you, what bullshit. i know who you are, and it’s nobody i want to love. sometimes my mind works in such stupid ways, i can’t even handle it when i snap back to reality. and that ‘deep moment’ we had? what a joke. nothing was deep about that. you were probably lying through your teeth the whole fucking time. that’s why we’d never be best friends. i never know when you’re telling the truth. i never know when i can really trust you. and that fucking letter i just wrote you about how much of a great friend you are, haha what the fuck ever. i know you’re so nice to be because you want to be with my best friend. i can tell. you’re always talking to her, yet it’s me you miss. i know once she gets a car, i’ll be dust in the wind. i’ll be another friend you’ve moved on from. i’ll shit talk you like the rest of them, i promise.

sometimes reality bites.

i hate men,

or i guess boys. they’re not men. i hate guys who don’t like girls who are different. i’m not talking about myself, but anyways…

i hate that i thought today went so well, but when i got home i found out that all the work i thought i’d done went to waste. i fucking hate guys who lead girls on, i fucking hate guys who flirt endlessly just to flirt, i fucking hate guys who lfkshkhg. i just hate guys in general.

i hate people in general.

i hate life in general. jkz though. kind of.

i’ve never been told i'm beautiful

by someone that’s not a part of my family.

hello

i don’t know what to write aboutttt. i just watched this movie by michael moore called capitalism: a love story. it was really good. it opened my eyes to a lot of fucked up things. i kind of knew about them, but not to their full extent, i guess.

we, as americans, are fucked up. we play with our lives, and cry when we fail. games have winners and losers, but right now, we’re all losers. so why can’t we win? why can’t we get off of our losing asses, and win?

because we’re greedy, that’s why. because we’re greedy, and we like short cuts and loopholes and things that make winning easy. but what we don’t see, is that we’ll never win unless we take the long way. we’ll never truly win, until we stop seeing america as a big i and little u’s. WE are americans. WE belong to the country america. so why do WE continue to fuck each other over even though WE are all the same? until i can figure this out, and the rest of us can too, we’ll always be the same. no change is in our futures, obviously. even obama couldn’t ‘change’ anything for us, like he solemnly swore he could.

we’re just another fucked up country who’ll be in the history books for our fucked up demise.

dreams

are menacing. and my best friends aren't there for me. what a life.

oh, and

I HATE ALL OF YOU.

you're all so fucking happy. you all act like nothing bothers you. you won't tell me anything. I'M FUCKING HERE TO LISTEN. that's all i'm fucking good at! without that, i'm a worthless, worthless friend. fuck. i hate people. hfldhgkhgldkhflgkhdgrhdegkhdlg.





ps. my nails still click a lot. especially when i button mash. khfdlgkhhgldhfg.

i just now remembered why i always hated you

because you are the most annoying person, in the world. the whole. entire. fucking. world.

i don't even want to hang out with you anymore. SFHSKGHDKGHSLDKG.




in other news. my nails make a lot of noise when i type. i like it.
i also like steely dan.

i'm not sure

I had a dream last night, and it kind of sucked. I looked up the interpretation site I normally use to understand my dreams, and the interpretation just made everything a little worse. :(

Backstab - To dream that someone has backstabbed you, signifies feelings of insecurity. You have a lot going on in your life at the moment and believe someone is out to get you.

Restaurant - To dream that you are in a restaurant, suggests that you are feeling overwhelmed by decisions/choices that you need to make in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that you are seeking for emotional nourishment outside of your social support system.

Naked - To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up, signifies your vulnerability to a situation

Anger - Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. Dreams function as a safe outlet where you can express your strong and/or negative emotions. You are suppressing your anger and aggression, instead of consciously acknowledging them.

Friend - To see friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge these rejected aspects of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself.

Mother - To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection. Some people may have problems freeing themselves from their mothers and are thus seeking their own individuality and development.



blegh. i have to run off to work now. i'll probably end up thinking about this all day.

weeee

today was pretty shitty, lol. this kid was a total asshole, but hey, it's the end of the year, so i'm not going to dwell on it too much. thank fucking god i don't have to see him anymore, haha. i liked him at one point, but i think that was just me fucking with myself. he's a complete asshole, and he's very shallow too, haha.

dani read me those tarot cards the other day. they said i'd, like, have a successful life, and that i'd find my soulmate in my profession, which apparently has to do with writing. i'm still pretty skeptical of it all. i don't really believe in it at all, actually. i just wanted to see what it was like, i guess. she gets really into it, though.

man, this song came on by smokey robinson, and now i'm just really fucking tired. i think i'm going to pass out before i even finish this blog, haha. failz.

skfhslkgh hopefully tomorrow's better.