Sometimes I get this feeling that...

I'm pissing everybody off. I'm not sure why I get that way, but I do. I really hate it too. I become some like weird, anti-social person, because I don't want anyone mad at me.

Today I feel that way. I'm talking to my bff (good term for it!) Laura, and I think I just insulted her and the guy she likes? I'm not sure. Maybe she's just bored and non-talkative. :/

And then there's my other bff Holly, who TOLD me I was pissy, even though I thought she was being mean? I'm not sure. That's just the faults of texting.

I think everything's okay now, though. Laura's telling me about gossip about her dad's neighbor now, and Holly's talking about her ingrown hair >.<...and Caleb Turman . Better than nothing though, right?

My last post

ended up on the third page of google
T___T

Asa Dawson

I have one question for this man.

1. Why is your voice so insanely amazing? Like, I don't think anyone else's voice makes me feel the way his does. That's not meant in a creepy way either. His voice is just so...beautiful in it's own way. It drives me up the wall, for real. I want to like...crawl up in a ball and listen to it forever when I hear it. AH! I sound so fucking creepy! Damn! I hope no one reads this, ahaha.





But really, if I ever meet him, I think I'd either pass out, cry, or just like not be able to talk. Oh, that's right, I never do anyways! Way to fail, me!

This was a really pointless blog. It was going to be about Kris Anaya, but then The Junior Varsity came on and well...it got changed.

Uh...soooooo...I don't have anything to say. I'm half asleep right now. I don't even know why I'm posting. Blah blah blah. Blahhhhhhh.

G'Night.



ps! I forgot to tell you of my uhm...goal! yeah! If I ever move some where, where no one knows me, I'm going to talk in a southern accent. It seems like fun, and I already wish I could, but everyone knows I don't have one when I talk regularly. They won't, though!
ahahaha I'm so stupid, sometimes.

pss! I'm getting my nikon d60 soon. I'm thuper thtoked.

psss! I'm going to go into cardiac arrest if this ends up on the front page of google when you search asa dawson like something else did...

pssss! sorry for all of the ps'. I happen to do that a lot.

I try...

I really do, and I'm sorry if it's not good enough. I'm sorry that I'm not going to follow at your heel like I used to. I'm sorry I can't agree with every single thing. And I'm really sorry I just can't live up to your fucking expectations.

Sorry I like different things. Sorry I'm not there to help you with every single problem. Sorry I can't read your mind. Sorry I try and be a great friend, but fall short. Sorry you can't mold me into what you want me to be, like you have so many other people.

Most of all, I'm sorry to myself, for living with this, and I still don't get to give you what you want, because I'm too busy trying to make everyone else happy.

I'm fucking sorry.

I'm fucking tired of being sorry, too.

Just cut, copy, paste and repeat

Maybe we can hide the original


Today when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone completely different. I saw a 15 year old girl actually being a 15 year old girl. I saw into the eyes of someone who was sincere about who she was, not who exaggerated stories and acted like she was more mature than she really was. I saw a naive, pure, truthful girl, and I haven't seen her for years.

For the past, mmm, four years? Four years, I've been trying to be someone that's not me. The eye shadows were fun, and the hair dying was cool, but it's not me. The brown hair was to impress some people, the green eyeshadow was to be an 'individual', all I accomplished though was a permanent feeling of being lost. I had no real identity. I was dying my hair all different colors, I was trying new, crazy make-ups, I was saying things that I never meant, and I was ultimately losing myself.

So when I looked at myself today, I saw something I'd missed more than anything. The silly curly bangs that always covered my forehead, the little pink lips that are inproportionate, the rosey skin that's just never flawless, and most of all, the blue-green eyes that pop out from the contrast of my ivory eyelids. No red lipstick, no black eyeliner, no practically white cover-up, and no mascera. Just me, in my natural beauty, you know? It's not even that beautiful, but it's been four years since I've seen that side of me, and God only knows how much I missed it.

I felt like myself again, for that minute that I looked right back at myself through that mirror, and for that minute, I realized that no matter what I put on my face, or chemically do to my hair, I'll always be Molly. The same Molly who lied about everything as a kid, the same Molly who sat on her daddy's tummy when they watched a movie, the same Molly who read books with her grandma, and most importantly, the same Molly who invented Molly in the first place.

I'm not sure if that whole thing makes sense, but it does in my mind.

If you're a bird, then I'm a bird

I saw The Notebook for the first time today, and I've got to say, I cried like a baaabyyyy. I don't think I've ever cried that hard at a movie...ever. With that said, I think I might watch it again tonight ;).

I guess tonight I just wanted to blog about love. Or something like that. This is an extremely cliche topic, so I appologize for writing about it, but I wanted to, so here I go.

What happened to love, these days? What happened to the morals and boundries we had so long ago. What happened to the love that seemed pure, and really did last forever. It makes my heart swell when I see an old couple. When you can still see love in their eyes, when you can sense the feelings they have for each other, and most of all, when they're not afraid to show a little affection. Most people think it's gross when old people show affection, but I think it's beautiful. I think it shows what love really is. I think...it makes the whole 'growing old with someone' something that can really be done.

Nowadays love is almost, fake. I hate to say that, but it's true. People are sleeping with each other left and right, claiming they're in love, but are they? Does a good sex life really mean you're in love? Or how about the couples who break up after years and years, just saying they fell out of love? That's pretty depressing, I must say. I mean, everyone knows they're going to change in life, but if you really love someone, shouldn't you embrace and accept their changes? Maybe it's just that I haven't experienced any true love in my short life span, but some day I hope to witness it. Whether it be in me, or one of my friends, I just hope to see what true love really is.

Maybe that's why I found The Notebook so touching. Because of the fact that they stayed together for eternity. They even passed away together. It filled my head with hopes that maybe we weren't all doomed to a life filled with false concepts of love, and maybe we could all die with someone we loved, but then I remembered that it was just a movie.

"I need to ask you something. "

"What is it,sweetheart?"

"Do you think that our love can create miracles?"

"Yes, I do. That's what brings you back to me each time."

"Do you think our love could take usaway together?"

"I think our love can do anything we want it to."

Maybe someday I'll have that. Maybe if I think the right way about the whole love thing, I'll find just the person who together our love can do anything we'll want it to.




PS. Did anyone else notice that the whole 'if you're a bird, then I'm a bird' thing is in Brighten's song We Are Birds? I wonder if that was on purpose...

Optimism

I always get into these little pessimistic fits after awhile, and I'm glad something was able to pull me out before I got too deep.

The Record Life is amazing. Jakob's the nicest/coolest/chillest guy in the biz, right now, I'd say. He really knows how to treat his fans with the respect they want, and I look up to that. I hope someday if I get famous, I can stay like that.

Maybe it's because he's not really famous yet, but in my eyes he's bigger than Fall Out Boy or All Time Low. He has talent like no other, he can make something unoriginal, original again, and he really does have a big heart. He deserves the best. All of my best regards to out to him.




I guess what I'm trying to say is, as long as there's people like Jakob Johnson out there, I won't be giving up on the music business. As long as I can be reminded that some musicians still care, I'll still be optimistic about things. Because I can promise you once that just fully stops, I'll stop caring as well.

My goal in life

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I decided that no matter what happens to me, I want to be remembered for one thing, and one thing only. I want to be that person who you think about when you're older. I want to be that person that's your answer when your child asks you 'who wath yuh betht fwiend evuh?'. I want to be the person that you tell your kid you hope they have a friend similar to. I want to be remembered for being a great person, and an even better friend.

I was talking to my dad earlier today, and he told me about this guy, Chris Pavich. He was my dad's best friend ever, I think. When he talked about him, his eyes lit up and kind of glazed over, like he was thinking about the past. 'I could have given him $100 of my dollars, and he wouldn't have touched it,' was something my dad said about him, that really shocked me. They were two homeless guys, who later on got an apartment together. When I think of homeless people, I think of people who can and will take anything they can. I guess that just proves the saying you can't judge a book buy it's cover.

'The only two things Chris really needed were weed and golf,' said my dad. I laughed at that. I guess that's something we can all learn from. He didn't need electricity, he didn't need a home, he didn't need someone to love. He just needed his two favorite things in the world, and he was perfectly content. I really admire this Chris guy, whoever he is. Chris might not even be his real name. All I know is this guy is something I want to be. I want to be content with whatever happens in the future, as long as I have what I love. I want to be trusted by the person who means the most to me. I want to be remembered as 'the girl who I will never forget,'. I want to be that person.

So from now on, that's my role in life. I want to be the friend that everyone knows will be there. I want to be the friend that someone tells their kids about. And most importantly of all, I want to be content with my life, as long as I have the things I love most.





ps. If anyone reads this, and knows who the hell Chris Pavich is, tell me. Haha, I know that's lame, but I've honestly never seen my dad talk to passionately about a friend...ever. I'd love to have them talk just one more time. Maybe so my dad could apologize for them spreading apart thanks to my mom, or maybe just to catch up one more time.

My exact feelings lately

I'm s-i-c-k of my meaningless life
where c-h-a-n-c-e-s pass me by
it's r-e-a-l-i-t-y

praise o-u-r lady of terrible guilt
that's not my i-d-e-a of f-r-e-e will
it's r-e-a-l-i-t-y

mister c-o-o-l at all the shows
your a-t-t-i-t-u-d-e is old
this is r-e-a-l-i-t-y

and you might ask why nothing's ever how it seems
I think I knew more when i was 13
when did life get so real?
and now I feel like im losing my mind
i used to think all the time
now thinking hurts and feelings is worse
i liked reality better when it was a dream.

na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

this is r-e-a-l-i-t-y




thanks bayside. thanks for making something I can actually relate to.

Start spreading the news...

New York was possibly the only thing I wanted for christmas. I can live without the new camera, I could've lived without the new clothes, and well...I don't think I could've lived without the friendship bracelet book, but everything else! Ha ha. Anyways, that's all I wanted. I wanted to see my best friend. I wanted to explore with her. I wanted to have a memory that didn't have to do with a cell phone, aim, or myspace.

Maybe during spring break, or this summer I'll get the chance. I wanted to prove this time that I'd actually pull through with things, and now I think that trust that I'll do that is definitely gone. Or at least in my book it is. I bet instead of going to seattle and portland each summer, I'll make my trip over to long island. If we can even afford that :.






Fucking economy. Fucking car industry. Fucking low teacher pay.

ps. laura elizabeth zimmerman does not approve of my love for a certain tall bass playing, bad dressing, failed hair dying, goof ball. It's sad, really.