being a friend

is really hard. especially when you can’t be there for them, physically.

i mean, i’m glad you found someone to be there for you, though. i’m glad he was so kind to you, when you expected him not to be. i’m glad you’re not alone, like you felt you were. i’m so glad you have friends over there, but i can’t help but feel helpless when you say things like that. i can’t help but feel left out and useless when you don’t fill me in, even though i was the one who asked you to. i can’t help but feel like i’m just a bad friend when you don’t even reply to me now.

it’s hard, being 1,000 miles from you, especially in times like these, and i try my hardest, but sometimes i know that just isn’t enough.

life hurts.

i’ve got this prank texter

there’s a large possibility of who it could be.

I was really afraid it was you, though. Luckily, you won’t read this, though. You, the only person who’s ever broken my heart. You, the only person I’ve only liked for more than a few months. You, the person I made a fucking fool of myself for.

Whoever it was, said so many things to make me think it was you. I think I’m just paranoid. I know you want nothing to do with me. I know you never liked me, anyways. Sometimes it hurts, though, thinking about you. I did well in forgetting you, but I guess not well enough. I wouldn’t be hurting right now if I had.

Fucking hell. I hope by tomorrow I’m over this, because if I go into that omgimissyou stage again, I will fucking shoot myself. I don’t think I will though. Just thinking about you right now, I’m already feeling myself starting to get over this whole thing.

LKDSHGLSKDHG I’m confused now.

i see how this works now

i try to help people, and i’m brushed off. with some, i’m doing it for my own good. i don’t want them to be happy. with others, they just don’t want to open up. i’m willing to listen, but they don’t want to take advantage of that.

either way, both make me feel like a piece of shit for a person.

life is such fucking bullshit.

AND I FUCKING HATE THE SOUND OF PEOPLE SNORING

ojgflgkhsdzjhgepifwkljjrdshiklrweg

sometimes i wonder why i’m alive

i wonder what my purpose in life is. i’m so impatient. i don’t know how people can be happy just being in the moment. i can’t stand it. i’m always looking ahead.

i wish there was some sort of secret portal i could hope through, even for just a moment, to see where i’ll be in 20 years. will i be happy? will i be married? will i have children? what will my profession be? i can’t fathom actually waiting 20 years to know these kinds of things.

i always stress myself out about stupid shit like that, too. i plan so far ahead. so far ahead, i couldn’t even possibly keep my plans. sometimes i wonder why i’m so stupid. why i’m so ridiculous. why i’m so naive. this false wisdom i have isn’t doing much for me. i’m the farthest thing from wise i know, so why do i continue to fool myself into thinking i’m so much more wise than everyone else i know?

so we all do this? do we all see ourselves higher than everyone else? i mean, i guess i don’t feel superior to everyone… just some people. and i don’t know, maybe i am. not superior than them… just a little more mature, or something.

i feel like a fool contemplating any of this. i know i’ll look back at this later on in life (assuming i don’t delete it or something) and laugh at my naivety. i’m almost looking forward to it, actually.

i hate life. but i love thinking about the future.

i guess not everybody can have the same look on things

sometimes i feel like shit when people don’t agree with me. well, mostly always. i’m not a very argumentative person. i give up very easily. i’ll always be the first to say ‘you’re right, i’m wrong.’ sometimes i feel guilty when people don’t agree with me. i feel like i’ve offended someone. i’m a fairly opinionated person, but only to myself. and this blog.

so anyways, i guess what made me feel bad was over this fb status. this girl was complaining because arizona passed another law against illegal immigrants. it was something about children not being considered legal, even if they were born here. i’m not going to say i agree with it, but i don’t necessarily agree with any of it. i think legalization should just be made easier. that way they’ll pay taxes like we do, have an equal opportunity to jobs like we do, and just not have to be worried about being deported like we do. it would make things so much easier. but i mean, it doesn’t work like that, so we’ve got to work with what we’ve got. since illegal immigrants DO have to worry about being deported, i don’t think it’s fair when they have children on US soil so their child can stay when they have to leave. i know they want their child to have a better life, but most foster families/orphanages are not a better life. my grandma works for cps, so i’m pretty skeptical of child care services by default. i think being with your family would be so much better than even chancing a life in a home with 20 other children. you pretty much lose that bond between children and parents, the attention you receive, the caring factor. i mean, you’re really just another head that has to be taken care of. unless you get lucky and are placed into a good home, but still…that’s not a fair chance.

i think it’s better to be deported with your family, so that at least you’re with people who love you. i mean, they had you in the US so that you could have a better life, so obviously they do love you. but if that doesn’t work out, you’re still together. you’re still a family. and you’ll never lose that. you’ll grow up knowing that at least your parents tried to give you a better life. and hey, who knows what the laws could be in the future. maybe they’ll make the legalizing process easier. but for know, you have to work with what you’ve got. and i think sticking together, and keeping that family bond is the best way to be able to cope with things.

blegh. iewjneofklefd. i hope i don’t sound closed minded or something.

quick! think of something deep to blog about before i give this link to deepak!

fuck, i’m drawing a blank.

i’m really sore today. i’ve worked sixteen hours these past two days. i feel like i’m going to roll over and die when i go to sleep, haha.

the junior varsity is playing a reunion show. i really hope i can go. it’s aaaaaaaaaall the way in illinois, but i think my dad would more than likely take me. it’s like…’our’ band, i guess you could say haha. if i don’t get to go, i won’t be crushed or anything. i know it’s a long way away haha. i really do hope i can, though. they mean so much to me, and to see them for their real last show (i think) would be so amazing. and meeting asa would be so…just, i don’t know. he, his music, and his achievements have helped me through so much, and i think it would be amazing to end this part of my life by meeting him. i think even if i did go, though, i’d be too much of a pussy to talk to him. he really helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel, when it came to my mom’s addiction. for so long, i’d just coped with it being that way for the rest of my life. but when he sobered up, i knew she could over come it if she wanted to, because he’d done just that. i don’t know if it was under the same circumstances, but i know it’s a hard decision to make, regardless. he just stands for so much to me. he’s my hero, in a way. and he’s just too fucking nice. i still freak out from time to time that he was so kind. beep. i might email him. i probably won’t.

anyways, i just spent like, an hour or two talking to rolando over skype. i was going to post this like, 3428752 hours ago, but i did that instead.

i’m fucking tired.

this is fucking ridiculous

i put my faith in someone, and then i come back to reality. why did i even for a second think you were so amazing? haha i thought i was in love with you, what bullshit. i know who you are, and it’s nobody i want to love. sometimes my mind works in such stupid ways, i can’t even handle it when i snap back to reality. and that ‘deep moment’ we had? what a joke. nothing was deep about that. you were probably lying through your teeth the whole fucking time. that’s why we’d never be best friends. i never know when you’re telling the truth. i never know when i can really trust you. and that fucking letter i just wrote you about how much of a great friend you are, haha what the fuck ever. i know you’re so nice to be because you want to be with my best friend. i can tell. you’re always talking to her, yet it’s me you miss. i know once she gets a car, i’ll be dust in the wind. i’ll be another friend you’ve moved on from. i’ll shit talk you like the rest of them, i promise.

sometimes reality bites.

i hate men,

or i guess boys. they’re not men. i hate guys who don’t like girls who are different. i’m not talking about myself, but anyways…

i hate that i thought today went so well, but when i got home i found out that all the work i thought i’d done went to waste. i fucking hate guys who lead girls on, i fucking hate guys who flirt endlessly just to flirt, i fucking hate guys who lfkshkhg. i just hate guys in general.

i hate people in general.

i hate life in general. jkz though. kind of.

i’ve never been told i'm beautiful

by someone that’s not a part of my family.

hello

i don’t know what to write aboutttt. i just watched this movie by michael moore called capitalism: a love story. it was really good. it opened my eyes to a lot of fucked up things. i kind of knew about them, but not to their full extent, i guess.

we, as americans, are fucked up. we play with our lives, and cry when we fail. games have winners and losers, but right now, we’re all losers. so why can’t we win? why can’t we get off of our losing asses, and win?

because we’re greedy, that’s why. because we’re greedy, and we like short cuts and loopholes and things that make winning easy. but what we don’t see, is that we’ll never win unless we take the long way. we’ll never truly win, until we stop seeing america as a big i and little u’s. WE are americans. WE belong to the country america. so why do WE continue to fuck each other over even though WE are all the same? until i can figure this out, and the rest of us can too, we’ll always be the same. no change is in our futures, obviously. even obama couldn’t ‘change’ anything for us, like he solemnly swore he could.

we’re just another fucked up country who’ll be in the history books for our fucked up demise.

dreams

are menacing. and my best friends aren't there for me. what a life.

oh, and

I HATE ALL OF YOU.

you're all so fucking happy. you all act like nothing bothers you. you won't tell me anything. I'M FUCKING HERE TO LISTEN. that's all i'm fucking good at! without that, i'm a worthless, worthless friend. fuck. i hate people. hfldhgkhgldkhflgkhdgrhdegkhdlg.





ps. my nails still click a lot. especially when i button mash. khfdlgkhhgldhfg.

i just now remembered why i always hated you

because you are the most annoying person, in the world. the whole. entire. fucking. world.

i don't even want to hang out with you anymore. SFHSKGHDKGHSLDKG.




in other news. my nails make a lot of noise when i type. i like it.
i also like steely dan.

i'm not sure

I had a dream last night, and it kind of sucked. I looked up the interpretation site I normally use to understand my dreams, and the interpretation just made everything a little worse. :(

Backstab - To dream that someone has backstabbed you, signifies feelings of insecurity. You have a lot going on in your life at the moment and believe someone is out to get you.

Restaurant - To dream that you are in a restaurant, suggests that you are feeling overwhelmed by decisions/choices that you need to make in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that you are seeking for emotional nourishment outside of your social support system.

Naked - To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up, signifies your vulnerability to a situation

Anger - Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. Dreams function as a safe outlet where you can express your strong and/or negative emotions. You are suppressing your anger and aggression, instead of consciously acknowledging them.

Friend - To see friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge these rejected aspects of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself.

Mother - To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection. Some people may have problems freeing themselves from their mothers and are thus seeking their own individuality and development.



blegh. i have to run off to work now. i'll probably end up thinking about this all day.

weeee

today was pretty shitty, lol. this kid was a total asshole, but hey, it's the end of the year, so i'm not going to dwell on it too much. thank fucking god i don't have to see him anymore, haha. i liked him at one point, but i think that was just me fucking with myself. he's a complete asshole, and he's very shallow too, haha.

dani read me those tarot cards the other day. they said i'd, like, have a successful life, and that i'd find my soulmate in my profession, which apparently has to do with writing. i'm still pretty skeptical of it all. i don't really believe in it at all, actually. i just wanted to see what it was like, i guess. she gets really into it, though.

man, this song came on by smokey robinson, and now i'm just really fucking tired. i think i'm going to pass out before i even finish this blog, haha. failz.

skfhslkgh hopefully tomorrow's better.

It’s hard to write a depressing blog after your depression’s passed

I was upset today, because this asshole of a kid said the other day that no one liked me. I knew he was joking, but sometimes you can’t help but be bothered by things like that. Or, at least I can’t. So anyways, I felt like that today. All day, too, not just part of the day. I don’t know, I know I’m just making up things in my head, again. Stefanie said I was being silly, which I guess to a certain point I am. I know people like me. I don’t think people are that fake to the point where they would all pretend to be my friend. I don’t have anything to offer, so why would they?

Anyways, I’m over that now. I really need to pee though.

Lol wow, I just noticed that I correctly capitalized everything in this blog. I guess I’ve been writing so many stories and formal letters lately, that I’ve gotten back into the habit of doing so. Beep. Weird.

Sometimes

i wonder what it would be like to die. i imagine running into a tree at 70 mph. i think about accidentally going under water for too long. i envision myself running off a cliff, flying for a few seconds.

it sounds cynical, but it’s not. i’ve got no purpose for wanting to commit suicide, therefore i never would. i just think about it sometimes, and i think about how it would affect the people around me, how the people who were mean to me would react, how weird life would be for some without me. sometimes it helps to think about that. sometimes it just makes me upset to know that it’d be forgotten in a year.

life is never satisfying, is it?

sometimes i get in these really melodramatic moods

i know it’s happening, because i start questioning everyone around me, i start hating people in general, i feel like i have no one to turn to, i feel like i’m making an ass out of myself 24/7, i feel ugly, i think i have no chance ever to be with anyone, i pretty much give up on a lot of things.

good thing that mood only comes once a month.

not so good thing that i’m going through it right now and i just want to rip everyone’s heads off. “literally.” “literally?” “no, god, what’s the matter with you?”

JSAPGFJSDGPLJ;SDGJ;SLDJG;ALSDJG;LSJG depressed.

today wasn’t bad

it wasn’t good, either, though.

i think i have a tooth coming out in the wrong spot. :( it’s really bizarre. i hope it’s not actually a tooth, but just a sore spot, or something.

i don’t really have anything to rant about, today. maybe the fact that i don’t have hall & oates’ greatest hits, yet. and that my dad’s keeping my camera away from me. >:( nothing really important, though, haha.

i really feel like blogging, though. i want to think of something to blog about!

eh, i don’t know. i guess this is it.

ps. i’m thinking about tearing down all of the posters in my room. i’m just kind of done with them, ahaha. especially since i’ve moved on from that stage in my life. i don’t even listen to the majority of these bands, anymore. i want to paint something cool on my walls. or get some cool artwork for them! like the pictures at urban. they’re so wonderful. like, they’re nothing special. it’s not like they’re OMG SO AMAZING PHOTOGRAPHY. they’re just cute, and they’d look good.

i was thinking about decorating my room with pictures of cities. i’ve always been more of a cityscape person, over a regular landscape. urban had a picture of NYC, and target had one of paris that i really loved. hm. this could work.

we’ll see where this takes me!

i feel awful

not emotionally, but physically.

i feel like i’m going to throw up/explode/shrivel up and die…all at once.

 

mmmmph. i hate being a female.

I don’t miss the alternative-pop-punk-rock-whatever concert scene

one bit! I wish i didn’t have to go tomorrow, actually.

i hate the fakeness of everybody, the girls trying to sell themselves short for what they really are, the rudeness of the people who think they really have a chance, the moral boundaries that’re broken, the things that’re taken for granted, the feeling of everyone’s a friend of the band, and especially the sheer shallowness of it all.

i just don’t miss it. i don’t want to be back there, and tomorrow will be the last time i am.

i feel like the world’s worst friend

i can’t even give advice on something i know all too much about.

why do i even bother to be anyone’s friend, anymore? i’ve been completely awful at helping anyone with their problems, lately.

i can feel the depression washing over me. meh.

 

 

IDGFAF IF I’M BEING MELANCHOLY. I’M ALLOWED TO BE.

i give up

i completely, and utterly give up.

at least you got him out of my head for a little bit.

you’re stupid

and i don’t like you. i really should just stop talking to you. every time i do so i just want shoot you in the foot. i don’t want to be mean though, but you’ve got so many friends, i don’t think you’d notice i was missing.

hm. that’s really appealing, now that i think about it. maybe i’ll slowly start to do just that.

god, you and your stupid need for advice. that’s pathetic.

Something good always comes out of the bad

which i think i sometimes forget. of course, this week, being the most stressful in a long time, is a perfect time for this to apply.

:) oh well, all is good now. i’ve got a new medium format camera coming my way in the mail (http://img.auctiva.com/imgdata/3/4/0/1/9/6/webimg/336836133_o.jpg) and i’m more than stoked. not to mention a new freakin’ lense for my contax!!!!! i’m maybe even more stoked about that, hahaha.

anyways, needless to say, things are going better right now. we’ll see how long that lasts! hopefully awhile. :)

life’s too short to sleep

sometimes i get in a weird, melancholy mood, like now. i don’t know why i’m this way. i wish i did. i hate myself like this. maybe i should stop listening to this song.

Winston walks alone
and it was yesterday he left
what used to be his home

Winston knows himself
he's ripped out all the pages
from old books on his shelf

and as the sun comes up
to steal the moon
it brings him back to you

Winston never dreams
because his eyes are never closed
life's too short to sleep

Winston once knew love
but she left him just yesterday
and he's thankful for today

and as the sun comes up
to steal the moon
he's one day further from you

or i could, you know, not.

omg. this is cool. i learned how to write blogs through windows!

i don’t even have to go to blogger.com anymore, i just click on the ‘write blog’ option on my desktop, and bam! i’m here!

 

i love dell.

why am i still hung up on you?

why won't you get out of my head? why won't everything around me stop reminding me of you? why won't your friends stop giving me death glares? why can't i move on?!

it's driving me crazy. i was better off before i met you.

and your stupid anime loving self, with your stupid epic metal, and that stupid comic you tried to make, and the stupid red hoodie you always wore, and your stupid hairstyle that never changed, and your stupid NOT ADORABLE glasses, and that stupid messanger bag, and the stupid way you thought you could sing but it only made me laugh.

if everything about you is stupid, why am i still hung up on you?

i think i thought in my mind

that you didn't actually hate me
now i see that you really don't want anything to do with me



well
cool

uuuuuuuuuuuhm

i officially believe in murphy's law. like, i think it should be renamed the law about molly and algebra II.

i took that damn final. i thought i did well too. and you know how i was talking about if i get a low grade, it's 16% of my grade? well, of course, i got a 70. GO ME. >:(


i give up.
forever.
algebra II is not for me.
neither was algebra I.

DAMNIT.

FUCK

I JUST REMEMBER THAT MY FINAL IS FUCKING 16% OF MY FINAL AVERAGE

oh god i hope i did well on it. i will cry. i WILL cry if my average drops down to a C. SO HARD.

damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit.

i've been in a really bad mood

for the past, like, four days or something. i'm not sure why, i'm probably just pmsing, but it really sucks.

there's really nothing for me to be mad, sad, or embarrassed over anyway. my friend was trying to be funny, and pointed out this grammar mistake to her followers on twitter, but it's nothing she and other folks haven't done before. hell, i do it time to time, too. it did get to me, maybe because i was already in a bad mood.

i don't know why i can't just be happy about something. today we went shopping, and i was so bipolar, lol. i was happy to be doing something for one second, and then the next i was upset because i thought my friends didn't want me there. i know better than to think that, but sometimes...i don't know.

i wish i could just hole up in my room and be by myself for awhile. sleep for like, 72 hours, and wake up and be missed. i think i just feel underappreciated. i guess that's what happens when you hang out with somebody so much, though. i know i'm appreciated, i guess i just don't hear it enough.

i guess that's why i keep saying i need new friends. not just people to talk to at school, but people who want to hang out.


or, you know, i'd like to just cheer up. i should look into smoking pot. i'm sure that would make me happier.

of course, i'm too smart for that, though.

i'm always there for people,

but are people always there for me?


ps. happy 111th post.

mpjgs;dj

i'm not very happy right now. i went to make a sign up thing for my grades, and of course i fucked it up too many times, so now i have to wait 24 hours. i just want to know my algebra grade, since i also forgot to do the stupid taks quizzes. god, go me. hopefully my other grades are okay enough to pull them up, but hell if i know. :( now i'm upset because i'm sure i'm failing. it's probably some sort of sign. or maybe i'm meant to be depressed over it because i'll get lucky, probably not, but whatever.

life's just not really fun right now. i'm sure it'll get better, but who knows, huh? this could be the start of it, for all i know.

in other news, i would love it if somebody came along with $1000 for the newspaper. we've got a really sick idea for the spread, but it won't happen if we can just scrap together $350 like normal. we'll be even more in debt, if we do that. god i hate money.

it's all whatever. i need to do something to get all of this stress off of me. maybe golfing again will help me chill out. probably not, but i need to do it anyways. my coach would kill me if he knew how long it's been since i've played. i'm probably shit, again.

kfdhdlsfhksdlgkh nothing is looking good right now. it's all so trivial, though. at least no one's dead, terminaly ill, or abusing anything. there's a positive for you.

i wish i didn't...

i don't know the word...easily like people so much. i know every girl does it, but it really, really, really gets annoying after awhile. i feel pathetic, and dumb, and just, rah. i wish i could like surpress my feelings to myself, you know? like you can hide feelings from people? i wish i could hide them from myself. that would be the life.

i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life

because i can't seem to like guys my own age. the only boys i would even consider getting to know are 21 and 22. how is it that i fail so hard at life. my school has over 3500 kids in it, and i can't even find one that i find interesting.

fail fail fail.

weee

things are back to normal. i guess blogging about my worst fear kind of make things real to me. my friend and i have been talking every day, just like old times. we'll see how things are when school's back in session, though. i hope things'll still be like they are now.



here, read some lyrics:
I need somebody to talk to
But I pushed you away
I need somebody who understands
But it doesn't look like you're coming back

My sins caught up to you
I said my sins caught up to you
I lost the best love that I've ever known
And it doesn't look like you're coming home

Even after all my mistakes
Even after all my mistakes
Even after all my mistakes
You came through

I hate, hate, hate this place
I said I hate, hate, hate this place
A brightly lit tragedy
Sterile and cold
But I can feel the warmth of your grace
Yeah, I can feel the warmth of your grace

Even after all my mistakes
Even after all my mistakes
Even after all my mistakes
You came through
Even after all my mistakes
Even after all my mistakes
Even after all my mistakes
You came through

I believe in miracles
I believe in miracles
I believe in miracles
Yeah, I believe
(I believe in miracles)
I believe
(I believe in miracles)
I believe
(I believe in miracles)

Even after all my mistakes
Even after all my mistakes
Even after all my mistakes
You came through, yeah
Even after all my mistakes
Even after all my mistakes
Even after all my mistakes
You came through

Even after all my mistakes
Even after all my mistakes
Even after all my mistakes
You were true