sometimes i wonder why i’m alive

i wonder what my purpose in life is. i’m so impatient. i don’t know how people can be happy just being in the moment. i can’t stand it. i’m always looking ahead.

i wish there was some sort of secret portal i could hope through, even for just a moment, to see where i’ll be in 20 years. will i be happy? will i be married? will i have children? what will my profession be? i can’t fathom actually waiting 20 years to know these kinds of things.

i always stress myself out about stupid shit like that, too. i plan so far ahead. so far ahead, i couldn’t even possibly keep my plans. sometimes i wonder why i’m so stupid. why i’m so ridiculous. why i’m so naive. this false wisdom i have isn’t doing much for me. i’m the farthest thing from wise i know, so why do i continue to fool myself into thinking i’m so much more wise than everyone else i know?

so we all do this? do we all see ourselves higher than everyone else? i mean, i guess i don’t feel superior to everyone… just some people. and i don’t know, maybe i am. not superior than them… just a little more mature, or something.

i feel like a fool contemplating any of this. i know i’ll look back at this later on in life (assuming i don’t delete it or something) and laugh at my naivety. i’m almost looking forward to it, actually.

i hate life. but i love thinking about the future.